clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Carson Fulmer Picked #8 By the White Sox

The All-American pitcher will begin his career on the south side of Chicago.

Steven Branscombe-USA TODAY Sports

Fulmer can stare holes through an opposing batter's head.  The teams that passed on him better get used to having no heads.  Or, at the very least, more holes in their heads.

The Florida Flamethrower took home the SEC pitching triple crown this year, and I guarantee that he gave no shits about this.  He lives life one batter at a time... and that batter normally ends up with a few pee dots in his pants.  Fulmer, who has one CWS trophy on his resume, cares not for these snubs right now.  He only cares about eating souls in Omaha.

He has a black belt.  By not choosing him, 7 teams have just decided to be the villain in a Steven Seagal movie.  Apparently, they don't value their throats, or are one of those weirdos who pay a woman to stamp on their testicles.  Well, they certainly make enough money to be the latter...

Let's profile this draft so far, from the perspective of Carson Fulmer:

1. Dansby Swanson - A no doubt selection.  *Tips cap.

2. Alex Bregman - Not Carson Fulmer.  Not a bad pick, but not a GREAT pick.

3. Brendan Rodgers - Not Carson Fulmer.  Will be eaten alive by Carson Fulmer.

4. Dillon Tate - A pitcher who is not Carson Fulmer.  I will challenge him to a bare knuckle boxing match, for charity.  The only charity will be when I let him live.

5. Kyle Tucker - Peter Gammons just compared you to Ted Williams.  You will be turned into a jelly.  Into. A. Jelly.

6. Tyler Jay - Did you not just watch the last two games?  Minnesota, I have a feeling your entire family is going down...

7. Andrew Benintendi - Not only is he not Carson Fulmer, but I tuned him up repeatedly.  Ridiculous.  Your Sox will run Red with the blood of the innocent.

8. Carson Fulmer - Is Carson Fulmer.  This is the only pick.

According to Keith Law's floating head, he might not have to wait all that long to get his ticket to the show:

Slot Value: $3,470,600

Here's what MLB thinks of him:

If pitchers had walk-up music, this would be Fulmer's:

Followed by: