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Vanderbilt v. Florida Man II: Die Florider

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Vanderbilt is 17-7 in conference play. Florida Man is 2nd in the East at 15-9. This is the series that will determine first in the SEC East, and whether a meth-fueled Kevin O'Sullivan will don a Teletubbies costume and threaten a toddler at Hawkins Field with a KFC double down.

By Andrew VU '04
/ new
Florida Relief Pitcher Frank Rubio (I think).
Florida Relief Pitcher Frank Rubio (I think).
Joe Raedle/Getty Images

"I found Florida an antihuman place." -Sidney Poitier

#6 Vanderbilt (35-14, 17-7 SEC)
v. #10 Florida Man (36-13, 15-9 SEC)

The following series preview will be coauthored by no one else than the @_FloridaMan Twitter Account.  Like everything Florida Man does, this will be done completely without his knowledge.

You know, just like he did last year.

After what our own Christian D'Andrea thought was a mid-season-swoon in which we lost back to back series (1-2 each) against the Ole Miss Fightin' Ackbars and the South Cackalacky Game Penises, the Commodores seem to have righted the ship.  Not only are we first in the SEC East, we're first in the whole damned conference, and have swept the unrecognizable state of Mizzourah and taken 2 of 3 from Kentucky.

Florida Man is coming off a 1-2 series loss to those same Kentucky Wildcats and though they won the UGA series 2-1, the Jorts-Laden bath salts maniacs were outscored in the series by the Silver Britches, and, well, then they did this to their hotel...

That's poor form, Florida.  Poor form.

As per usual, Florida's strength is their pitching, but oddly enough, it's their bullpen this year.  Relief pitchers Bobby Poyner (4-1, 1.94 ERA) and Taylor "Richard" Lewis (3-1, 1.97 ERA) have the best numbers on the team, and though they're at or near the top of appearances, they just have one start between them.  Their starters this weekend are less impressive, however, with sophomore LHP A.J. Puk and his 5.08 ERA serving as a weak impersonation of his oft-dominant freshman self (5-2, 3.19 ERA).  Still, this is better than his other impersonation...

At the plate, the guy to watch out for is switch-hitting senior infielder Josh "Funke" Tobias and his 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution.  Dr. Funke has been taking his Teamocil, and the side effects include a .366/.428/.575 slash line (side effects also include a decrease in your sex drive, numbness of the extremities, and produce a feeling of camaraderie).

However, Tobias has been advised to cut down on his use of the drug, as studies have recently proven the feeling of wellness it gives the user in relationships is simply a precursor to total shutdown of the pituitary gland.

That, and it causes lapses in judgement like this:

And this:

Another batter to keep an eye on is junior Richie Martin.  Not because his .319/.417/.476 slash is all that impressive, but because he bangs.

He bangs.

Pitching Match-ups:

Thursday, May 7th (6:30pm CT. ESPNU)

RHP Carson Fulmer (9-1, 1.74) vs. RHP Logan "Pauly" Shore (6-4, 3.01)

Friday, May 8th (6:30pm CT. SECN+)

LHP Philip Pfeifer (3-3, 3.88) vs. LHP A.J. "Impersonating His Freshman Self" Puk (6-3, 5.08)

Saturday, May 9th (12pm CT SECN)

RHP Walker Buehler (3-1, 2.86) vs. RHP Alex "Juggalo Soda" Faedo (4-1, 3.27)

Of course, nothing they throw at us will be as filthy as this:

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