"I found Florida an antihuman place." -Sidney Poitier
#6 Vanderbilt (35-14, 17-7 SEC)
v. #10 Florida Man (36-13, 15-9 SEC)
The following series preview will be coauthored by no one else than the @_FloridaMan Twitter Account. Like everything Florida Man does, this will be done completely without his knowledge.
You know, just like he did last year.
After what our own Christian D'Andrea thought was a mid-season-swoon in which we lost back to back series (1-2 each) against the Ole Miss Fightin' Ackbars and the South Cackalacky Game Penises, the Commodores seem to have righted the ship. Not only are we first in the SEC East, we're first in the whole damned conference, and have swept the unrecognizable state of Mizzourah and taken 2 of 3 from Kentucky.
Florida Man is coming off a 1-2 series loss to those same Kentucky Wildcats and though they won the UGA series 2-1, the Jorts-Laden bath salts maniacs were outscored in the series by the Silver Britches, and, well, then they did this to their hotel...
Florida Man Arrested for Urinating in Hotel Ice Machine, Again http://t.co/qDLLxV6QwW— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) April 29, 2015
That's poor form, Florida. Poor form.
As per usual, Florida's strength is their pitching, but oddly enough, it's their bullpen this year. Relief pitchers Bobby Poyner (4-1, 1.94 ERA) and Taylor "Richard" Lewis (3-1, 1.97 ERA) have the best numbers on the team, and though they're at or near the top of appearances, they just have one start between them. Their starters this weekend are less impressive, however, with sophomore LHP A.J. Puk and his 5.08 ERA serving as a weak impersonation of his oft-dominant freshman self (5-2, 3.19 ERA). Still, this is better than his other impersonation...
Florida Man Impersonates Police Officer, Accidentally Pulls Over Real Police Officer http://t.co/NlFhi0y8Yh— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) April 13, 2015
At the plate, the guy to watch out for is switch-hitting senior infielder Josh "Funke" Tobias and his 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution. Dr. Funke has been taking his Teamocil, and the side effects include a .366/.428/.575 slash line (side effects also include a decrease in your sex drive, numbness of the extremities, and produce a feeling of camaraderie).
However, Tobias has been advised to cut down on his use of the drug, as studies have recently proven the feeling of wellness it gives the user in relationships is simply a precursor to total shutdown of the pituitary gland.
That, and it causes lapses in judgement like this:
Florida Man Says He Had No Idea Beating an Alligator to Death Was Illegal http://t.co/S3Sye3y6jG— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) April 9, 2015
Florida Man Shines Laser at Cars While Hiding Bag of Marijuana in His Rectum http://t.co/dj8nqzuvaW— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) April 7, 2015
Another batter to keep an eye on is junior Richie Martin. Not because his .319/.417/.476 slash is all that impressive, but because he bangs.
Thursday, May 7th (6:30pm CT. ESPNU)
RHP Carson Fulmer (9-1, 1.74) vs. RHP Logan "Pauly" Shore (6-4, 3.01)
Friday, May 8th (6:30pm CT. SECN+)
LHP Philip Pfeifer (3-3, 3.88) vs. LHP A.J. "Impersonating His Freshman Self" Puk (6-3, 5.08)
Saturday, May 9th (12pm CT SECN)
RHP Walker Buehler (3-1, 2.86) vs. RHP Alex "Juggalo Soda" Faedo (4-1, 3.27)
Of course, nothing they throw at us will be as filthy as this:
Florida Man Flicks Semen at Walmart Shopper While on Break From Job at Disney World http://t.co/zcQBtpiYIV— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) April 3, 2015