Last year, we conducted the first ever Anchor of Gold Drinking Draft. We mocked all 32 first round picks and correctly made...ONE OF THEM (thanks, Jason Verrett!). So naturally, we had to do it again. If at first you don't succeed.
This time, we've got a few new writers on board this ship of fools. Jenn Greening, Russ Johnson, and "Commodore Tom" Stevenson all jumped on the bandwagon to lay out the 2015 NFL Draft. The only rule? Participants had to be on their fourth drink before their first pick, as to enhance the flow of football knowledge from our fingertips.
The result? Several mentions of Jenn's Tinder use, a handful of players being drafted twice, and the confirmation that Tom is a menopausal midwestern woman based on his choice of drink.
We are no draft experts. Any correct picks beyond the first two and the last one are entirely coincidental.
Note: All spelling, grammatical, and factual errors have been unedited so as to better embarrass their author, who is no doubt a terrible analyst, author, or person.
vandytigerphd [7:48 PM] ive done zero research
jenngreening [7:51 PM] Dude no. But my work does offer $3 shots of tequila
vandytigerphd [7:53 PM] Heres a players list y'all http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/draft/prospectrankings/2015/
vandytigerphd [8:00 PM] DRINK ROLL CALL
vandytigerphd [8:00 PM] Me - Jameo for both
jenngreening[8:01 PM] Chardonnay, and more chardonnay, and popcorn and wait a minute..... Throw in some sharp cheddar cheese #classy
vandytigerphd [8:04 PM] Ok, I'm 2 with the Titans... and the Titans, not happy with f*cking up last year, have elected to TRADE down to the Jets... The trade is TN 1st for the Jets 1st, 3rd and a compensation pick in 2016.
andrewvu04[8:04 PM]Jets take a kicker
andrewvu04 [8:05 PM ](By the way, I removed Winston from my board. Would if I ran a real NFL team, too.)
vandytigerphd [8:06 PM] A gun shot rings out at a South Jersey BWW. No, it's not Tommy getting even because Anthony stole his girl Gina. VTPhD is lying dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head, in a pool of his own blood and whiskey. The Jets deign to ruin their QB future once again and go with the Duck, Marcus Mariota.
andrewvu04 [8:06 PM] Want to trade that down to #20?
andrewvu04 [8:06 PM] No... no... It's better that you're sad
christian.dandrea 8:07 PM] Patriots trade #32 for the 1st round picks of every other team i control in the draft
christian.dandrea [8:07 PM] and a player to be named later
vandytigerphd [8:09 PM] so let's all get on her because she's definitely run up her clock
andrewvu04[8:11 PM] just pick R.J. Soward or Blaine Gabbert and keep this moving, Jenn
jenngreening [8:11 PM] Okay fine with the third pick for which I'm pretty sure nobody even knew Jacksonville still had a team, and because every redneck in the state thinks it's Jacksonville Alabama, the Jaguars select Amari Cooper BECAUSE ALABAMA FANS NEED TO LOSE.
christian.dandrea [8:14 PM] WR
vandytigerphd[8:18 PM] in other words chomp chomp
andrewvu04[8:23 PM] pick, you large-headed so and so
christian.dandrea[8:23 PM]I'm just glad it won't be here.
vandytigerphd [8:24 PM] (exactly)
vandytigerphd[8:25 PM] what the f*ck is this
johnsonera4[8:25 PM] the browns select Kevin White
vandytigerphd [8:26 PM ] the Browns ARE that stupid
jenngreening[8:29 PM] No actually it's a legitimate pick. They always pick Auburn players
jenngreening[8:29 PM] ALWAYS. I LOVE THE RAMS.
andrewvu04 [8:29 PM] that's how you know it's legitimate
andrewvu04 [8:33 PM] oh hell... that was my Taints pick to piss of the New Orleanians... as he said, "New Orleans is boring." Well, I suppose there's nothing that'll piss 'em off more than a Falcon saying that...
vandytigerphd [8:33 PM] theyre a protein supplment company that put an ad out that angered crazy people because they used a model in their ad. They further angered the tumblr nation when they refused to apologize
tcstephenson [8:34 PM] I'd swipe right to her
christian.dandrea [8:36 PM] a "beach body" is just a vague concept to them
tcstephenson [8:45 PM] They shore up the D-Line that already has JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney by drafting Malcom Brown
christian.dandrea [8:52 PM] they take Nelson Agholor
jenngreening [8:53 PM] Isn't my pick AMAZING?! (said in the style of Kelsey from the Bachelor)
andrewvu04 [8:57 PM] With the Eagles actual pick... I'm going to do the Chip Kelly-est thing that ever Chip Kelly'd. Spend the entire off-season doing nothing but sunshine-pumping Mariota, visiting Byron Jones eleventy billion times, and making it brutally obvious that we're going to trade up or take a defensive back... and then on draft day take a tackle and immediately move him to guard. With the 20th pick, the Philadelphia Eagles select Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa. Because of course they do.
Is he even drinking it right?
vandytigerphd [9:01 PM] alright, Andrus Peat
andrewvu04 [9:03 PM] Who the hell is up?
andrewvu04 [9:07 PM] also, why is Pittsburgh not picking? In the bathroom with Big Ben?
jenngreening [9:10 PM] NOT JENN
vandytigerphd [9:10 PM] you're reading the old one
jenngreening [9:10 PM] wtf
jenngreening [9:10 PM] Oh no
jenngreening [9:10 PM] Okay
jenngreening [9:10 PM] so shittsburgh
jenngreening [9:13 PM] Okay
jenngreening [9:13 PM] Uhm
christian.dandrea [9:14 PM] zing!
andrewvu04 [9:21 PM] he's a Raven if I've ever seen one
vandytigerphd [9:22 PM] and Baltimore continues their proud tradiiton of drafting criminals
andrewvu04 [9:24 PM] With all the known felons off the board who are likely to go in the first round, I'm somewhat stumped on who to give Dallas. No... no, I'm not. Let's make them reach. Benardrick McKinney, LB, Mississippi State
johnsonera4 [9:27 PM] from UK
jenngreening [9:27 PM] I THOUGHT JON HAD THE PICK DAMMIT
andrewvu04 [9:31 PM] (I know I'm not picking, but make it so)
vandytigerphd [9:32 PM] VETOED
andrewvu04 [9:34 PM] now the Taints will oblige and take Bud
andrewvu04 [9:35 PM] Do you accept?!
andrewvu04 [9:36 PM] (And this year's 6th)
andrewvu04 [9:36 PM] do it
andrewvu04 [9:36 PM] to Philly
vandytigerphd [9:37 PM] VETO
andrewvu04 [9:37 PM] OLB, UK!!!
andrewvu04 [9:37 PM] It was a fair trade
vandytigerphd [9:37 PM] ok i'll allow it
vandytigerphd [9:37 PM] i mean this is already the most ridiculous mock ever
christian.dandrea [9:38 PM] he'll be a tight end or something
christian.dandrea [9:38 PM] i don't know
jenngreening [9:40 PM] whoa this goes to second round?
andrewvu04 [9:42 PM] now that would be insane