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The Anchor of Gold Altered State Mock Draft: S-E-C! S-E-C!

The least accurate mock NFL Draft you'll read all week. Assuming you don't read Mel Kiper's.

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Last year, we conducted the first ever Anchor of Gold Drinking Draft. We mocked all 32 first round picks and correctly made...ONE OF THEM (thanks, Jason Verrett!). So naturally, we had to do it again. If at first you don't succeed.

This time, we've got a few new writers on board this ship of fools. Jenn Greening, Russ Johnson, and "Commodore Tom" Stevenson all jumped on the bandwagon to lay out the 2015 NFL Draft. The only rule? Participants had to be on their fourth drink before their first pick, as to enhance the flow of football knowledge from our fingertips.

The result? Several mentions of Jenn's Tinder use, a handful of players being drafted twice, and the confirmation that Tom is a menopausal midwestern woman based on his choice of drink.

We are no draft experts. Any correct picks beyond the first two and the last one are entirely coincidental.

Note: All spelling, grammatical, and factual errors have been unedited so as to better embarrass their author, who is no doubt a terrible analyst, author, or person.

vandytigerphd [7:47 PM] so i'm going to go ahead and admit I have no idea what any team needs


vandytigerphd [7:48 PM] ive done zero research

andrewvu04 [7:48 PM] love

vandytigerphd [7:48 PM] I haven't even read a mock

tcstephenson [7:48 PM] I'm going to go ahead and admit that I have no idea who the players are

christian.dandrea [7:50 PM] i'm only drafting players with drug problems

andrewvu04 [7:50 PM] Jenn did her three shots of fireball and is in the ER for antifreeze poisoning

jenngreening [7:51 PM] Dude no. But my work does offer $3 shots of tequila

andrewvu04 [7:51 PM] You work at the coolest accounting agency

vandytigerphd [7:51 PM] I love that this has become a tradition now, officially, with the second AoG mock

christian.dandrea [7:52 PM] Bad News Barrett just won the King of the Ring. How does that affect his draft stock?

vandytigerphd [7:53 PM] Heres a players list y'all http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/draft/prospectrankings/2015/

CBSSports.com

NFL Draft Prospects

CBSSports.com provides full coverage of the NFL draft, including expert mock drafts, prospect rankings, player profiles and a live draft tracker.


andrewvu04 [7:53 PM] Jenn... drink

jenngreening [7:53 PM] I have been drinking and oh dear god is this wine terrible I should've gone with yellowtail

vandytigerphd [7:53 PM] *throws up at the idea of drinking yellowtail*

jenngreening [7:55 PM] What kind of music should I play in the background of this

vandytigerphd [7:55 PM] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnd_0KiF8Nw

YouTube

th19880

NFL Flims- The Equalizer

andrewvu04 [7:55 PM] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5aZJBLAu1E

YouTube

TheWeatherGirlsVEVO

The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men

tcstephenson [7:56 PM] F*ck... should I mention that I'm drinking yellow tail since that was what the corner store had?


andrewvu04 [7:57 PM] This is going to be "Mock Draft '15: Sponsored by Yellowtail"

tcstephenson [7:59 PM] Yeah, I've met the three-drink minimum and I have the first pick apparently


vandytigerphd [7:59 PM] OK, FIRST UP ON THE CLOCK - TOM (Tampa Bay)

vandytigerphd [8:00 PM] What did y'all drink for your 3?

vandytigerphd [8:00 PM] DRINK ROLL CALL

vandytigerphd [8:00 PM] Me - Jameo for both

tcstephenson [8:00 PM] Three glasses of Yellowtail Merlot because that's the best thing available at a corner store in Houston

andrewvu04 [8:00 PM] So Tom, will you be going with an accused rapist, a choir boy from HI, or will you throw your vote away and go with a third party candidate???

jenngreening [8:00 PM] Aaaaaand that's why I wish I had yellowtail

jenngreening[8:01 PM] Chardonnay, and more chardonnay, and popcorn and wait a minute..... Throw in some sharp cheddar cheese #classy

tcstephenson [8:01 PM] Because it's the best thing available at a corner store in Houston?

vandytigerphd [8:01 PM] I had some jalapeno havarti earlier

tcstephenson [8:01 PM] Tampa Bay selects Jameis Winston, and hopes the charges continue to get dropped

vandytigerphd [8:01 PM] the wuss pick

jenngreening [8:01 PM] This is terrible

vandytigerphd [8:01 PM] no controversey here folks, a lame cop out pick

andrewvu04 [8:01 PM] Let's just say we all hope he goes to Ibor City and gets into an argument over some rims

tcstephenson [8:02 PM] He hasn't been accused of anything that Ben Roethlisberger hasn't also been accused of and he's still employed by an NFL team

andrewvu04 [8:02 PM] agreed.  New Slogan: "The NFL: Objectively The Worst."


tcstephenson [8:03 PM] Hasn't Roethlisberger also been accused of "several"?

johnsonera4 [8:03 PM] hundreds

andrewvu04 [8:03 PM] $100 says that some announcer uses the term "knucklehead infractions" or "immaturity" instead of "accused rapist"

tcstephenson [8:04 PM] Hey now, he hasn't been proven guilty in a court of law and I think we can all agree that's... uh... what I do for a living, basically

andrewvu04 [8:04 PM] All right... and with pick #1 in, we're officially rooting for the meteor to hit Tampa

andrewvu04 [8:04 PM] moving on…

jenngreening [8:04 PM] Okay fine then let's not forget that he SUCKS AT FOOTBALL AND EVERYTHING IN LIFE

vandytigerphd [8:04 PM] Ok, I'm 2 with the Titans... and the Titans, not happy with f*cking up last year, have elected to TRADE down to the Jets... The trade is TN 1st for the Jets 1st, 3rd and a compensation pick in 2016.

andrewvu04 [8:04 PM] Hahaha... self to self trade!

andrewvu04[8:04 PM]Jets take a kicker

johnsonera4 [8:04 PM] we can do that?!

jenngreening [8:05 PM] It just happened, sooo

andrewvu04 [8:05 PM] we can do anything!  I'm going to live forever!!!

andrewvu04 [8:05 PM ](By the way, I removed Winston from my board.  Would if I ran a real NFL team, too.)

vandytigerphd [8:06 PM] A gun shot rings out at a South Jersey BWW.  No, it's not Tommy getting even because Anthony stole his girl Gina.  VTPhD is lying dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound to the head, in a pool of his own blood and whiskey.  The Jets deign to ruin their QB future once again and go with the Duck, Marcus Mariota.

andrewvu04 [8:06 PM] hahahahaha

andrewvu04 [8:06 PM] Want to trade that down to #20?

andrewvu04 [8:06 PM] No... no... It's better that you're sad

christian.dandrea [8:06 PM] oh I see

christian.dandrea 8:07 PM] Patriots trade #32 for the 1st round picks of every other team i control in the draft

christian.dandrea [8:07 PM] and a player to be named later

andrewvu04 [8:07 PM] Collusion!!!

christian.dandrea [8:07 PM] SHREWD BELICHICK MOVE

andrewvu04 [8:07 PM] (but seriously... no)

vandytigerphd [8:07 PM] BELLICHICK IS A GENUIS

andrewvu04 [8:07 PM] VTPhD killed himself over the guilt of it.

tcstephenson [8:07 PM] NFL is investigating Trade-Gate

tcstephenson [8:08 PM] Have any Patriots players murdered someone today?

andrewvu04 [8:08 PM] current?  Maybe.

christian.dandrea [8:08 PM] i want to say no, but i haven't checked twitter lately

vandytigerphd [8:08 PM] ok, I'm dead now, but Jenn is mysteriously silent as she does "research" for the Jags

vandytigerphd [8:09 PM] so let's all get on her because she's definitely run up her clock

andrewvu04 [8:09 PM] (she doesn't know she's up)

vandytigerphd [8:09 PM] I sent the list out

tcstephenson [8:09 PM] Jenn is trolling Vandy baseball players on Tinder

andrewvu04 [8:09 PM] she picks "fireball whisky the player," and then realizes Winston is off the board and has to google mock drafts

vandytigerphd [8:09 PM] swiping dem all to the right.

jenngreening [8:10 PM] Staaaahp they're like jailbait to me now ok?? I just matched with a guy named Tyler and somebody said something about him being on tinder and I was like oh....

andrewvu04 [8:10 PM] umm... we said nothing about Vandy commits...

andrewvu04[8:11 PM] just pick R.J. Soward or Blaine Gabbert and keep this moving, Jenn

tcstephenson [8:11 PM] Hey, I'd probably be matched with half the women's basketball team because that totally makes sense

jenngreening [8:11 PM] Okay fine with the third pick for which I'm pretty sure nobody even knew Jacksonville still had a team, and because every redneck in the state thinks it's Jacksonville Alabama, the Jaguars select Amari Cooper BECAUSE ALABAMA FANS NEED TO LOSE.

andrewvu04 [8:11 PM] shrewd... Alabama does need to lose...

vandytigerphd [8:12 PM] this is a jenn post i can get behind

christian.dandrea [8:12 PM] I'm happy that I get the Raiders, because that means there are no expectations for my pick whatsoever

johnsonera4 [8:12 PM] More true words have never been said

vandytigerphd [8:12 PM] CDA, I think only of you for Oakland

andrewvu04 [8:12 PM] Jamarcus?

christian.dandrea [8:13 PM] sadly, since they stopped reanimating Al Davis's corpse, I can no longer just pick the fastest guy in the draft and call it a night

vandytigerphd [8:13 PM] its true

johnsonera4 [8:13 PM] you still might do it

christian.dandrea [8:13 PM] but, in the spirit of tradition

andrewvu04 [8:13 PM] what else were you planning on doing with his corpse?

tcstephenson [8:13 PM] But can you draft a kicker in the first round?

johnsonera4 [8:14 PM] SEABASSSS

jenngreening [8:14 PM] Hey, punters are people too.

vandytigerphd [8:14 PM] no theyre not

christian.dandrea [8:14 PM] Oakland Raiders select Breshad Perriman

christian.dandrea [8:14 PM] WR

andrewvu04 [8:14 PM] BOOM!!!  AL LIVES!!!

tcstephenson [8:14 PM] Somebody named their child Breshad?

christian.dandrea [8:14 PM] the Kingdown of Central Florida

vandytigerphd [8:15 PM] taht actually is a good pick for Oakland... not for the team, but a good pick in they'll prob do that

johnsonera4 [8:15 PM] the Redskins have so many needs

johnsonera4 [8:15 PM] and y’all took the qbs

andrewvu04 [8:16 PM] I like the pick.  Al's reanimated corpse written all over it.  Big?  Check.  Fast?  Check.  NFL bloodlines??? Check!  If he's not a Raider, Al is no longer among us.

vandytigerphd [8:16 PM] theres no way Washington takes a QB first round nayway


andrewvu04 [8:16 PM] give them another shit-ass from Baylor

johnsonera4 [8:16 PM] They will take Mariota off the Jets hands here tho

christian.dandrea [8:16 PM] they just gave RGIII a boat, they're good on QBs

johnsonera4 [8:16 PM] In that case….

andrewvu04 [8:16 PM] in fairness, it was just a mystery box that might be a boat

johnsonera4 [8:17 PM] The Redskins select Dante Fowler

tcstephenson [8:18 PM] This would be so much better if I knew who any of these people were

andrewvu04 [8:18 PM] You will, law-talkin' man.  You will.

vandytigerphd [8:18 PM] Fowler was UF's OLB

vandytigerphd[8:18 PM] in other words chomp chomp

andrewvu04 [8:19 PM] And his medieval job is snaring birds for their meat and feathers

jenngreening [8:19 PM] Bahahahaha I'm not going to lie, I am just sitting here like "How are we not all drafting SEC players? DO ANY OTHER PLAYERS ACTUALLY MATTER?"

jenngreening [8:19 PM] Okay, that was sort-of a lie.

andrewvu04 [8:19 PM] #allplayerslivesmatter

jenngreening [8:19 PM] And can we really count Florida in the SEC anymore?

tcstephenson [8:20 PM] Did we ever count them in the SEC?

vandytigerphd [8:20 PM] theyre very sec - they harbor murderers

andrewvu04 [8:20 PM] By the way, I missed an opportunity to let you all know Amari Cooper's medieval job was making barrels.  I feel shame.

jenngreening [8:20 PM] Guys I'm out of popcorn & it's only the 6th pick?

johnsonera4

[8:21 PM]

Pasted image at 2015 04 28 09 21 PM

112KB PNG in #ship_of_fools_mockAdd comment

Open original

andrewvu04 [8:21 PM] all right Titans... reanimate the post-suicidal corpse of VTPhD and make your pick

jenngreening [8:21 PM] For being the only one actually LIVING in Nashville, I'm excited for this

tcstephenson [8:22 PM] Did you guys hear about Alexander Hamilton relapsing on cocaine?

jenngreening [8:23 PM] #thingsIcareaboutmorethantheTitansdraftpick

andrewvu04 [8:23 PM] used $10 bills

andrewvu04[8:23 PM] pick, you large-headed so and so

tcstephenson [8:23 PM] Use hundreds or GTFO

christian.dandrea [8:23 PM] Hamilton is going to die a horrible death in a dueling accident thanks to his addiction to an antiquated honor code.

christian.dandrea[8:23 PM]I'm just glad it won't be here.

tcstephenson [8:23 PM] AARON BURR

christian.dandrea [8:23 PM] #topical

vandytigerphd [8:23 PM] Well, ok, with the QBs of note and worth gone, they try to bolster their passing attack by picking up a WR - they go DeVante Parker

johnsonera4 [8:24 PM] and the Kevin White zoom ins on ESPN are rapid

vandytigerphd [8:24 PM] OH NO HE WAS PASSED OVER

vandytigerphd [8:24 PM] (exactly)

andrewvu04 [8:24 PM] ...and with the Titans making a terrible pick, the Chicago Vanderbears SPRINT to the podium and take: Leonard Williams, DT, USC

vandytigerphd [8:24 PM] ESPN then spends the next 1,034,314 hours wondering how Kevin White feels

christian.dandrea [8:24 PM] aw man an actual smart pick

johnsonera4 [8:25 PM] The Falcons have traded the pick

jenngreening [8:25 PM] Bahahahaha

vandytigerphd [8:25 PM] we're not supposed to be making smart picks

vandytigerphd[8:25 PM] what the f*ck is this

andrewvu04 [8:25 PM] I may be drunk, but I'm functioning.  I'm the Wade Boggs of this blog.

johnsonera4 [8:25 PM] to the browns for 12, 19 and a first next year

johnsonera4[8:25 PM] the browns select Kevin White

vandytigerphd [8:26 PM] hahah two 1st rounds for Kevin White?

vandytigerphd [8:26 PM ] the Browns ARE that stupid

andrewvu04 [8:26 PM] I could see that.  They then room him with Josh Gordon and Johnny Foosball Manziel in training camp and he immediately gets 10 substance abuse penalties

tcstephenson [8:26 PM] Hey, if I went to Texas A&M I'd probably have a drinking problem too


vandytigerphd [8:26 PM] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRBDMMVctu8

YouTube

clevelandthundercat

The Factory Of Sadness (A Cleveland Browns Fan's Reaction To Today's Game Against Houston)

johnsonera4 [8:26 PM] that was when Mallet started


vandytigerphd [8:27 PM] youve got the Gmen Tom

tcstephenson [8:27 PM] The Giants select Shane Ray BECAUSE WHO GIVES A F*CK ABOUT SMOKING POT

christian.dandrea [8:27 PM] OR TOES

andrewvu04 [8:27 PM] He smokes toes?

vandytigerphd [8:28 PM] its the thing all the kids are trying now brah

christian.dandrea [8:28 PM] just like the jack johnson song.

andrewvu04 [8:28 PM] I no longer know what we're talking about

christian.dandrea [8:28 PM] Jenn is up with the Rams

andrewvu04 [8:28 PM] (swiping right on Zac Stacy)

christian.dandrea [8:28 PM] You should trade your pick for the opportunity to move your franchise to california

jenngreening [8:28 PM] And with the whatever pick, the St. Louis Rams select Sammie Coates because they always pick the best players ever ###

jenngreening[8:29 PM] No actually it's a legitimate pick. They always pick Auburn players

jenngreening[8:29 PM] ALWAYS. I LOVE THE RAMS.

jenngreening [8:29 PM] So he jumped 50 picks, who cares.

andrewvu04 [8:29 PM] Hahahah... has to claim it's legitimate before we even mock it

andrewvu04 [8:29 PM] that's how you know it's legitimate

jenngreening [8:30 PM] But since we won't actually get to Sammie Coates, I suppose the Rams would either trade or pick Todd Gurley because SEC. SEC. SEC. (in that SEC Network chant)

andrewvu04 [8:30 PM] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m6Sw26gUQo

YouTube

Adult Swim

Auburn Sucks | Squidbillies | Adult Swim

jenngreening [8:30 PM] Not even gonna watch it.


christian.dandrea [8:30 PM] Vikings take Todd Gurley, who promptly reinjures his ACL kicking Adrian Peterson out the door.

andrewvu04 [8:30 PM] I like trucks

jenngreening [8:30 PM] YES

jenngreening [8:30 PM] WINNER

jenngreening [8:31 PM] end draft.


vandytigerphd [8:31 PM] flawless victory

tcstephenson [8:31 PM] Wait isn't Adrian Peterson still suspended?

andrewvu04 [8:31 PM] Did Gurley make him pick a switch?

vandytigerphd [8:31 PM] ok, because apparently Russell is already drunk he now has the Atlanta pick via the Browns

tcstephenson [8:32 PM] I was surprised they didn't go to trial on that, knowing what county that was in they probably think that's just proper discipline

andrewvu04 [8:32 PM] aye

vandytigerphd [8:32 PM] speaking of undue hysteria all the fatties mad at the protein world ad is hilarious to me

andrewvu04 [8:32 PM] stop being a NJ Italian stereotype, VTPhD

johnsonera4 [8:32 PM] The Falcons pick Randy Gregory

tcstephenson [8:33 PM] What's Protein world?

johnsonera4 [8:33 PM] because who in Atlanta doesn’t know how to get high and still pass a drug test?

andrewvu04 [8:33 PM] oh hell... that was my Taints pick to piss of the New Orleanians... as he said, "New Orleans is boring."  Well, I suppose there's nothing that'll piss 'em off more than a Falcon saying that...

vandytigerphd [8:33 PM] theyre a protein supplment company that put an ad out that angered crazy people because they used a model in their ad.  They further angered the tumblr nation when they refused to apologize

andrewvu04 [8:34 PM] I'll go ahead and give Rob Ryan a weapon to completely misuse: Vic Beasley, LB, Clemson

tcstephenson [8:34 PM] I just googled it.  That model is hot.  Why would anybody be pissed?

tcstephenson [8:34 PM] I'd swipe right to her

vandytigerphd [8:35 PM] We're not talking about well-adjusted people here Tom

christian.dandrea [8:35 PM] also, they're british

jenngreening [8:35 PM] PSA: A model is somebody who gets a job in an ad/pictures/ etc. A model is a model once he/she is hired. If you're in an ad, YOU'RE A MODEL.

christian.dandrea [8:35 PM] they see the sun 4 times a year

christian.dandrea [8:36 PM] a "beach body" is just a vague concept to them

vandytigerphd [8:36 PM] yes jenn but BODY SHAMING

tcstephenson [8:36 PM] Why can't I just have pictures of myself with no clothes on posted on billboards?

jenngreening [8:36 PM] You can, stephenson.

vandytigerphd [8:37 PM] Anyway, apparently the 'fins need a DB, so I'm going the boring pick here and Saying the fins take Trae Waynes

tcstephenson [8:37 PM] I'd complain about Jenn revealing my last name but that shows up on my Twitter handle anyway so... who cares

jenngreening [8:37 PM] Does Ohio State even have a prospect in this draft? This one's for you, RJ Umberger

andrewvu04 [8:37 PM] You can't pick a hockey player

andrewvu04 [8:38 PM] we have very few rules here, but you can't pick a hockey player

jenngreening [8:38 PM] It's not my pick. No I was saying that because... Ugh, nevermind

jenngreening [8:38 PM] i wouldn't pick RJ anyway.

andrewvu04 [8:38 PM] no matter how many times you swipe right to him

christian.dandrea [8:38 PM] Andrew is now up with the rotting corpse that was once a vibrant 49ers franchise

andrewvu04 [8:38 PM] Ah yes

andrewvu04 [8:38 PM] SELF TRADE TIME!!!

andrewvu04 [8:39 PM] The Philadelphia Eagles trade their 1st (20) and 3rd to San Fran for #15.... and take Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State

christian.dandrea [8:39 PM] noooooope

johnsonera4 [8:39 PM] you must be turnt in philly

christian.dandrea [8:40 PM] vt just took waynes

jenngreening [8:40 PM] So many things going on right now. 1) Wasn't Waynes taken? 2) That's not a QB & 3) whaaaaaaaat

vandytigerphd [8:40 PM] yeah you cant have Waynes, I took him for Miami

christian.dandrea [8:40 PM] the miami herald got their "WAYNES'S WORLD" headlines set up in bold typeface and everything


andrewvu04 [8:40 PM] CHIP KELLY CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS!!!

vandytigerphd [8:40 PM] *proceed to lose as usual

andrewvu04 [8:40 PM] All right... no trade then


vandytigerphd [8:41 PM] this is taking longer than a Devils 1-0 3rd period

andrewvu04 [8:41 PM] San Fran takes Arik Armstead, DE, Oregon because of course they do

jenngreening [8:41 PM] Come on, Andrew, I'm a girl here & even I'm keeping up

christian.dandrea [8:41 PM] SEXIST

andrewvu04 [8:41 PM] that's what she said

tcstephenson [8:41 PM] Which Andrew are you even talking to?

jenngreening [8:41 PM] Oh please. As if every male reader isn't thinking about this every time I make a post

andrewvu04 [8:42 PM] I'm keeping up... I'm just refilling my drink often and missing picks

jenngreening [8:44 PM] AND WITH THE 16TH PICK....

christian.dandrea [8:44 PM] "Houton" - as VT so elegantly spelled it, is up. That means Commodore Tom.

johnsonera4 [8:44 PM] Joining AOG was a great decision.

johnsonera4 [8:44 PM] even tho it wasn’t mine

tcstephenson [8:44 PM] Oh yeah, that's me

jenngreening [8:44 PM] Dear god. Hahahaha

tcstephenson [8:45 PM] So since the Texans think Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett solve their QB problems...

tcstephenson [8:45 PM] They shore up the D-Line that already has JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney by drafting Malcom Brown

andrewvu04 [8:46 PM] Texas bias

christian.dandrea [8:46 PM] Malcom finally has that "buy a 2nd L" money


christian.dandrea [8:47 PM] Jenn and "San Deigo" now up

jenngreening [8:47 PM] I know we said hockey players are out, but what about former NBA players? Bc Sir Charles.

andrewvu04 [8:48 PM] you must pick draft-eligible players, Jenn.  Barkley isn't even military draft eligible.

jenngreening [8:50 PM] After minutes of consultation with a SD Chargers specialist, we choose Melvin Gordon if he's available

vandytigerphd [8:51 PM] CDA gets the Chefs (great googly moogly)

christian.dandrea [8:52 PM] Kansas City needs a receiver since they basically have a WLAF roster at the position

christian.dandrea [8:52 PM] they take Nelson Agholor

andrewvu04 [8:53 PM] I actually like that pick for Big Red.

johnsonera4 [8:53 PM] Falcons are going to have to get creative since MG3 is off the board

jenngreening [8:53 PM] I love my pick

jenngreening [8:53 PM] Isn't my pick AMAZING?! (said in the style of Kelsey from the Bachelor)

vandytigerphd [8:54 PM] no one here watches that either

jenngreening [8:54 PM] Dammit to hell

johnsonera4 [8:54 PM] i hate to pick a bama player..

jenngreening [8:55 PM] I've officially gotten too lazy to put my wine glass on my bedside table & resorted to useing my ipad as a coaster

johnsonera4 [8:56 PM] anyways.. Landon Collins mom is gonna be pissed, cause he’s coming to Atlanta and there’s not a damn thing she can do about it

christian.dandrea [8:57 PM] Landon Collins to ATL via Cleveland at pick #19.

andrewvu04 [8:57 PM] With the Eagles actual pick... I'm going to do the Chip Kelly-est thing that ever Chip Kelly'd.  Spend the entire off-season doing nothing but sunshine-pumping Mariota, visiting Byron Jones eleventy billion times, and making it brutally obvious that we're going to trade up or take a defensive back... and then on draft day take a tackle and immediately move him to guard.  With the 20th pick, the Philadelphia Eagles select Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa.  Because of course they do.

johnsonera4 [8:57 PM] I’ll burn down my house if they do some shit like that

jenngreening [8:58 PM] *pours another glass of wine

johnsonera4 [8:58 PM] *downs bottle of ciroc

vandytigerphd [8:58 PM] its at this point I text VU04 only to get "..." as a response

8tcstephenson [8:58 PM] F*ck, why am I drinking wine, I feel like a woman right nowchristian.dandrea [8:58 PM] *lights meth pipe

jenngreening [8:59 PM] Also, I chose wine believing I would be the sole wine-drinker for tonight's event. Oops.

tcstephenson [9:00 PM] Hey, it was what the corner store had that I didn't care if it got warm before I got home, get off me

vandytigerphd [9:00 PM] So I do not know, nor do I care to know what The Bengals need.  But seeing as this seems like a good time for Landon Collins to go, let's do that

johnsonera4 [9:01 PM] ATL just took Collins

jenngreening [9:01 PM] Who chills red wine?

Is he even drinking it right?


vandytigerphd [9:01 PM] Oh shit, they did

tcstephenson [9:01 PM] Of course it's not chilled, I live in Houston

vandytigerphd [9:01 PM] i have a damned spreadsheet and I missed it

vandytigerphd [9:01 PM] alright, Andrus Peat

jenngreening [9:01 PM] Okay, we get it, you live in a shitty Texas city with Jeremy Barfield, ok

tcstephenson [9:02 PM] Who's Jeremy Barfield?

jenngreening [9:02 PM] OH MY GOD THOMAS

andrewvu04 [9:02 PM] her ex, methinks

christian.dandrea [9:02 PM] I BET HE WENT TO AUBURN

andrewvu04 [9:02 PM] he likes trucks

vandytigerphd [9:03 PM] /SWOON

jenngreening [9:03 PM] Aside from being a close personal friend of mine (NOT AN EX), you don't recognize the Barfield name?!

tcstephenson [9:03 PM] STOP CALLING ME THOMAS DAMNIT

christian.dandrea [9:03 PM] this is good team building

johnsonera4 [9:03 PM] TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK DAMNIT

christian.dandrea [9:03 PM] we are gonna have the worst trust falls later

andrewvu04 [9:03 PM] Damn it is two words, con sarn it!

andrewvu04 [9:03 PM] Who the hell is up?

jenngreening [9:03 PM] Pittsburgh

andrewvu04 [9:07 PM] also, why is Pittsburgh not picking?  In the bathroom with Big Ben?

johnsonera4 [9:08 PM] With The Pouncey Twins watching the dooor

jenngreening [9:08 PM] Hey guys.. HEY GUYS

andrewvu04 [9:08 PM] oh God... their names make it so much worse

tcstephenson [9:08 PM] Does anybody even know who's picking for Pittsburgh?

andrewvu04 [9:09 PM] is it VandyImport or something?

christian.dandrea [9:09 PM] email says its Jenn

vandytigerphd [9:09 PM] jenn is picking for the Steelers

tcstephenson [9:09 PM] DAMN IT JENN

jenngreening [9:09 PM] What

vandytigerphd [9:09 PM] but I figured she was just stalling or trying to show off her picture

jenngreening [9:09 PM] I thought I had arizona

andrewvu04 [9:09 PM] she was too busy changing her profile picture here

vandytigerphd [9:09 PM] you have both

jenngreening [9:09 PM] I'm totally trying to show off my picture

tcstephenson [9:09 PM] Oh, I think I saw that picture on Tinder

johnsonera4 [9:09 PM] who of us has the most picks

jenngreening [9:10 PM] It says JON

jenngreening [9:10 PM] NOT JENN

vandytigerphd [9:10 PM] its says Jenn

vandytigerphd [9:10 PM] you're reading the old one

andrewvu04 [9:10 PM] (flashback to Tom swiping left... JON getting the sads)

jenngreening [9:10 PM] the spreadsheet says Jon

jenngreening [9:10 PM] wtf

jenngreening [9:10 PM] Oh no

jenngreening [9:10 PM] Okay

jenngreening [9:10 PM] so shittsburgh

tcstephenson [9:10 PM] Well yeah I would swipe left to someone named Jon

vandytigerphd [9:10 PM] Jon backed out so I gave the picks away

jenngreening [9:11 PM] Uhm

vandytigerphd [9:11 PM] the non-vandy people got 6, the rest of us lads got 5

jenngreening [9:12 PM] Oh kay, with the Jon pick, the Shittsburgh Stealers.... pick .....

vandytigerphd [9:12 PM] we need to just start calling Jenn Jon and not explain it to anyone on the site

tcstephenson [9:12 PM] Well, since she keeps calling me Thomas I agree with this

jenngreening [9:13 PM] Can I trade??

andrewvu04 [9:13 PM] sure

jenngreening [9:13 PM] No..

jenngreening [9:13 PM] Okay

jenngreening [9:13 PM] Uhm

vandytigerphd [9:13 PM] yes

andrewvu04 [9:13 PM] I will trade you a banana for your snack pack

jenngreening [9:13 PM] Shittsburgh trades Arizona and Arizona picks Vic Beasley

andrewvu04 [9:13 PM] already gone... try again

jenngreening [9:13 PM] What??

andrewvu04 [9:13 PM] 13 to the Taints

johnsonera4 [9:13 PM] noo

andrewvu04 [9:14 PM] get your head in the game, Jon

vandytigerphd [9:14 PM] hahahah Vic is long gone

johnsonera4 [9:14 PM] Someone better get Bud

johnsonera4 [9:14 PM] he was supposed to be top 10

christian.dandrea [9:14 PM] nah, this is more of a drinking draft, russ

christian.dandrea [9:14 PM] zing!

andrewvu04 [9:14 PM] Bud?  Where no is no longer an answer?  Or where anything can happpen?

tcstephenson [9:14 PM] The beer that takes "no" out of your vocabulary for the night

jenngreening [9:15 PM] Trade still in effect, Pittsburgh to ARizona and Arizona picks Jake Fisher, because that is a sexy name

tcstephenson [9:17 PM] Detroit takes Dorial Green-Beckham because f*cking of course Detroit picks a WR

andrewvu04 [9:17 PM] Hmm... I don't see it.  Do they have too many girlfriends on their staircase [allegedly]?

andrewvu04 [9:18 PM] (I despise DGB.  Despise him.  Was going to pick him for Dallas is how much I despise him.)

jenngreening [9:18 PM] So Shittsburgh picks DJ Humphries

andrewvu04 [9:19 PM] Arizona, Jon.  You already picked someone for Pittsburgh.

tcstephenson [9:19 PM] No, she traded with herself

andrewvu04 [9:19 PM] ahh... she swiped inwards

vandytigerphd [9:19 PM] she didn't want a free dinner from Tom, apparently

christian.dandrea [9:20 PM] Panthers take Ereck Flowers, since they are desperate enough to throw money at Michael Oher, and we saw how that worked in Nashville last year

jenngreening [9:20 PM] I traded myself lol

tcstephenson [9:20 PM] They don't get free dinners from me

vandytigerphd [9:20 PM] 26 - Baltimore

andrewvu04 [9:20 PM] ah, so here comes another criminal, I imagine

johnsonera4 [9:21 PM] Marcus Peters available?

andrewvu04 [9:21 PM] yes

andrewvu04 [9:21 PM] he's a Raven if I've ever seen one

johnsonera4 [9:22 PM] he’s headed to baltimore, but not yet (party cancelled)

vandytigerphd [9:22 PM] wooo

vandytigerphd [9:22 PM] and Baltimore continues their proud tradiiton of drafting criminals

andrewvu04 [9:24 PM] With all the known felons off the board who are likely to go in the first round, I'm somewhat stumped on who to give Dallas.  No... no, I'm not.  Let's make them reach. Benardrick McKinney, LB, Mississippi State

andrewvu04 [9:25 PM] btw, someone take Shelton and Dupree off the board before they go to New England

jenngreening [9:26 PM] I didn't know dupree was still available or I'da picked him

vandytigerphd [9:26 PM] Sorry brah, Denver's pick is Cameron Erving

christian.dandrea [9:26 PM] russ literally told you to pick dupree with pittsburgh

tcstephenson [9:26 PM] Who's dupree?

johnsonera4 [9:27 PM] bud

johnsonera4 [9:27 PM] from UK

andrewvu04 [9:27 PM] yeah, but she was picking her profile picture then

jenngreening [9:27 PM] I didn't know who "Bud" was!!

jenngreening [9:27 PM] I THOUGHT JON HAD THE PICK DAMMIT

tcstephenson [9:27 PM] Well obviously she puts as much thought into it as her Tinder profile picture

vandytigerphd [9:27 PM] Jon isn't even here

jenngreening [9:27 PM] And clearly I thought russell was Jon lmao

johnsonera4 [9:30 PM] Indy takes Byron Jones

andrewvu04 [9:30 PM] oh f*ck right off.  I call collusion with CDA!

vandytigerphd [9:30 PM] theres no way there's not collusion

tcstephenson [9:31 PM] SHENANIGANS!

christian.dandrea [9:31 PM] Green Bay, New Orleans, and then the good guys

andrewvu04 [9:31 PM] ah yes... Green Bay will take Shelton or Dupree (you bastards)

andrewvu04 [9:31 PM] (I know I'm not picking, but make it so)

tcstephenson [9:32 PM] Green Bay picks Stephen Rivers because he's Philip Rivers' brother, he has to be good at playing quarterback

christian.dandrea [9:32 PM] GREAT PICK

andrewvu04 [9:32 PM] COLLUSION!!!

christian.dandrea [9:32 PM] NO ONE THROWS A MORE COMEDIC CHEST PASS

vandytigerphd [9:32 PM] THAT PICK IS VETOES

vandytigerphd [9:32 PM] VETOED

tcstephenson [9:32 PM] How is that pick vetoed?

andrewvu04 [9:32 PM] ...and when an Italian says Veto, it carries

vandytigerphd [9:33 PM] I'm alreadyu driving down to Houston to make it official

johnsonera4 [9:33 PM] Football reasons

andrewvu04 [9:33 PM] For the same reason Jen can't take hockey players or Gnarls Barkley

tcstephenson [9:33 PM] Who is this Shelton person?

andrewvu04 [9:33 PM] big fat guy

christian.dandrea [9:34 PM] the guy from big bang theory

jenngreening [9:34 PM] I PICK EVANGI MALKIN FOR THE 29TH PICK

andrewvu04 [9:34 PM] Danny Shelton, NT UW

christian.dandrea [9:34 PM] don't pick him, he's not funny

andrewvu04 [9:34 PM] GB needs a fat guy

tcstephenson [9:34 PM] Okay, Green Bay takes Danny Shelton because I'm guessing he's been convicted of something?

andrewvu04 [9:34 PM] indeed

andrewvu04 [9:34 PM] now the Taints will oblige and take Bud

vandytigerphd [9:34 PM] GB pick is still u

christian.dandrea [9:34 PM] i believe they already took Malkin.

vandytigerphd [9:35 PM] Shelton pick accepted... Jenn has New Orleans...

andrewvu04 [9:35 PM] trade offer for the Taints, Jen!

andrewvu04 [9:35 PM] Philly trades you next year's 1st!!!

andrewvu04 [9:35 PM] Do you accept?!

andrewvu04 [9:36 PM] (And this year's 6th)

jenngreening [9:36 PM] Well damn, I mean that's bound to be the 1st overall pick... that's tough

andrewvu04 [9:36 PM] (trust me... take it)

jenngreening [9:36 PM] Or... OR I CAN TAKE DUPREE???

andrewvu04 [9:36 PM] this year's 2nd, next year's 2nd

andrewvu04 [9:36 PM] do it

andrewvu04 [9:36 PM] to Philly

johnsonera4 [9:36 PM] TAKE BUD

jenngreening [9:37 PM] New Orleans trades to Philly

vandytigerphd [9:37 PM] NO

vandytigerphd [9:37 PM] VETO

andrewvu04 [9:37 PM] PHILLY TAKES BUD DUPREE!!!

andrewvu04 [9:37 PM] OLB, UK!!!

andrewvu04 [9:37 PM] It was a fair trade

vandytigerphd [9:37 PM] lol ok I'

vandytigerphd [9:37 PM] ok i'll allow it

vandytigerphd [9:37 PM] i mean this is already the most ridiculous mock ever

johnsonera4 [9:37 PM] it all started with you

andrewvu04 [9:38 PM] Now we shall celebrate with more drinking

vandytigerphd [9:38 PM] mine made sense becauyse the Jets are retarded

christian.dandrea [9:38 PM] fine

jenngreening [9:38 PM] MOAR DRINKING

christian.dandrea [9:38 PM] Patriots take a prospect who has been trending up all day

christian.dandrea [9:38 PM] Wade "Bad News" Barrett, King of the Ring

christian.dandrea [9:38 PM] he'll be a tight end or something

christian.dandrea [9:38 PM] i don't know

vandytigerphd [9:38 PM] I refuse to acknowledge any pick unless you acknowledge them as Sodom and Gamorrah

christian.dandrea [9:38 PM] Belichick will figure it out

andrewvu04 [9:38 PM] (and scene)

christian.dandrea [9:39 PM] you like that foreshadowing? That's how you write a compelling draft.

andrewvu04 [9:39 PM] well played

andrewvu04 [9:40 PM] 2nd round starts now.  Tampa Bay... you're on the clock!

jenngreening [9:40 PM] whoa this goes to second round?

tcstephenson [9:40 PM] We're doing a second round?

vandytigerphd [9:40 PM] no f*cking way we do second round

jenngreening [9:42 PM] Can we do a NHL mock draft now?

andrewvu04 [9:42 PM] now that would be insane

johnsonera4 [9:42 PM] MLB would be intense too

vandytigerphd [9:42 PM] here's a list of 18 year olds we've never heard of

jenngreening [9:42 PM] I mean we're already drunk, it's only named "ship of fools MOCK" it doesn't say which sport

andrewvu04 [9:42 PM] Connor McDavid and then CDA just picks all the wrestlers he can name

vandytigerphd [9:42 PM] there, NHL draft done

(and, scene).