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Don't Suck, Beat the Cocks

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Like I wasn't going to make that joke. I was the guy who was kicked out of the football stadium in 2002 for hanging that sign, after all.

Cock.
Cock.
Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

SEC Week Six

#5 Vanderbilt (28-10, 11-4 SEC) v. The South Cackalacky Game Penises (23-15, 6-9 SEC)

The Penises have gone 6-9 in SEC play, and we can only assume it was on purpose.

You know, because jokes.

Anyway, South Cackalacky is not as good this year as they have been, but I'm not buying it.  I'm convinced they've spent the first 5 weeks of SEC play lulling us into a false sense of security.  Those dicks.  Well fuck those dicks, let's beat them anyway.

South Cackalacky always has a series of soft-tossing lefties who give us fits and this year will be no different.  On the first two games of this series, we will face Vince "Guy" Fiori and Jack "Chicken" Wynkoop, who are soft tossing lefties, because of course they are.  Fiori is from NJ (an Italian from New Jersey???  Go on...) and went to Ramsey H.S.  Ramsey is in Bergen County, where VandyTigerPhD and every other loud mouthed Italian is from.  Ramsey H.S. sucks.  When I was playing baseball in high school, we used to beat them into a jelly.  Into. A. Jelly.  It's only logical that they sent Guy to the penises to infuriate me.  There can be no other reason.  They likely deferred his no show contract to a waste management firm that also does construction for 3-4 years just to fuck with me.  They have yet to announce Saturday's pitching match-up, but those penises will throw another soft tossing lefty at us.  You can pretty much bank on it.  If they have to, they'll find someone from the stands who throws 30 mph because it will totally fuck our shit up.  Eat a bag of yourself, penises.

The good news is they can't hit.  They no longer have Joey Pancake (not an Italian nickname, somehow), so they're hitting .260 as a team, which is horse shit.  Their best hitters are named Elliott and Kyle, so fuck them.  Seriously, fuck them.  There has never been an Elliott who doesn't say things like, "Excuse me, is this restaurant farm to table?" or a Kyle who doesn't say, "Does anyone else think this elementary school concert program is offensive to indigenous peoples?"  Fuck them.  Seriously.  Fuck both of those guys.

I'm not going to spend any more time looking into their team, as I will likely get an anger-based stroke.  Here are your pitching match ups.

Probable Starters

Thursday 6:30pm (ESPNU): Jr. RHP Carson Fulmer (6-1, 1.89 ERA) v. Jr. LHP Vince "Guy" Fiori (3-0, 2.45 ERA)

Friday 6:00pm (SECN): Jr. RHP Walker Buehler (3-0, 2.41 ERA) v. Jr. LHP Jack "Chicken" Wynkoop (4-4, 3.20 ERA)

Saturday 12:00pm (ESPN2): TBA v. TBA

*But if I had to guess, it will probably be RS. Fr. Jordan Sheffield (3-1, 3.30 ERA) v. A Soft Tossing Lefty From the Stands Who Throws 30mph Fastballs and Infuriates Us to No End (0-0, 0.00 ERA)