Corbin's Key to Success: Follow the Tenets of LaVeyan Satanism

Tuesday night, after Vanderbilt's game against Wofford, the Brentwood Township Little Leaguers got the opportunity of a lifetime. Reigning College World Series Coach Tim Corbin invited the little tykes and their coaches on the field to run the bases, get instruction in pitching, hitting, and defense, and to learn about the secret to success in baseball, and further, in life.

"Listen up, kids," said the affable Corbin, throwing out packs of Big League Chew to all in attendance. "There are three things that make you a success: 1) Play the right way, 2) Always run out your grounders, and 3) Follow the eleven fundamental tenets of Satanism as written by Anton LaVey."

During drills where the kids were taught the proper way to slide so they don't skin their knees, the former National Coach of the Year reminded kids to, "Form a 4 with your legs: left leg bent and right leg straight. Speaking of the 4 rule, if a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy."

Parents and coaches in attendance got the chance to see their kids live a dream. However, they had to do so quietly, as Corbin reminded them, "Rule #1 is do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked."

Timmy Montalbahn, 10, bravely let go of his arm crutches and stood proud for a minute, as his parents told Coach Corbin that he and his players were heroes of their son, and he said he would walk again if he could ever stand on the same field as them. Corbin wiped a tear from his eye, but reminded Timmy's folks that rule #2 states "Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them, and further, rule #3 says that when in another's lair, show him respect or else do not go there."

Corbin then lined up the kids and taught them every signal he uses to communicate with his players without the other team knowing what they're up to. "It was amazing," said Tanya Carruthers, mother of twin boys Hunter and Cooper Carruthers. "All car ride home, they were doing complicated signals and changing up the indicator. It was like a fun game of Simon Says."

Carruthers added, "Also, they now know to not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal. The whole day just melted my heart."

Martin Boone, father of 12 year old Jack Boone, was pleased that it wasn't just fun and games, but the kids were learning real baseball. "Corbs must have spent 5 minutes with each kid just teaching them how to spot a pitcher's pick-off move so they know when to run and when to get back to the base. He kept saying, 'Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.' Now I don't know what that was all about, but Jack stole 5 bases this week!"

Other parents voiced some concern, especially as Corbin brought out Dansby Swanson to tell them rule #7: Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

"My kids just loved seeind Dansby 'The Mansby.' He's their favorite player," said Anne Whitechapel, mother of Gill, 11, and Price, 9. "And, as a mother, let me tell you, it was a Godsend hearing him tell Gill, 'Do not harm little children.' I mean, he loves his little brother, but he's just too rough with him some times. And it'll be a lot easier on Frank and I with the boys following rule #8: Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself."

Whitechapel then furrowed her brow, and added, "But I could do without him emphasizing rule #11: When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him."

It was not all praise for Corbin's Skills and Leadership Day, however. Frank Whitechapel, Gill and Price's father, said, "Now I'm a Christian, and I like to hunt, so I can't have my boys running around believing we should not kill non-human animals unless we are attacked or for our food. I mean, that's downright un-American!"

All in all, it was a great day for parents and children, alike. And the day ended with a bright spot, as Corbin invited them all back during the next Blood Moon, where he'll teach the importance of the sacrifice.

"I love Coach Corbin," said 5 year old Tanner Whitmarsh, who, though only 5, was allowed on the field with his older brothers. "And I love the teachings of Anton LaVey."

(yes, this is an April Fool's post.)