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ENTIRE BASEBALL TEAM HAS CONTRACTED MONO

TAINTED SKOAL CANS TO BLAME

Steven Branscombe-USA TODAY Sports

Vanderbilt Baseball head coach Tim Corbin met with Nashville sports media today to confirm the rumors that an outbreak of mono has affected the entire team. Corbin also related his disgust towards those in the Nashville media who repeated rumors that the source of the infection came from the Tri-Delta sorority. "It's really unfortunate that some of you felt the need to repeat unsubstantiated rumors," Corbin said.  "We've traced the outbreak of the virus down to a tainted shipment of Skoal long cut.  Simple as that."

The Skoal cans were first suspected after a phone call to the Paul Finebaum show Monday morning in which caller "T-Bob from Soddy-Daisy" boasted, "You know what I did? I tainted the last shipment of chew with mono.  I called Lurlene down from the holler and had her lick 'em all up right good."  After a detailed investigation conducted by the Vanderbilt Medical Center and local authorities, it was confirmed that a recent shipment of chewing tobacco had been tainted with the mononucleosis virus. A raid of T-Bob's residence late Tuesday afternoon also yielded several championship flags that had gone missing over the Tennessee series.

"We should've realized something was amiss when we got that shitty peach flavor by mistake the weekend of the UT series," Corbin said. "Who the hell consciously buys PEACH? Wintergreen or go home. But it's all we had left..."

The Skoal cans appear to also have contained a form of psychotropic drug causing hallucinations and odd behavior in the players. During the press conference, Tyler "Turd" Ferguson drove a motorized podium up, wearing a large foam cowboy hat.  "It's funny," said Ferguson, staring at his hands.  "It's bigger than a regular hat."

Updates forthcoming.

(yes, this is an April Fool's post.)