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BREAKING: NCAA Issues Death Penalty to Vanderbilt Women's Bowling

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Chelonian Money Implicated In Payoffs To Players

We searched "NCAA Women's Bowling" and this was literally the best that USA Today images could do.
We searched "NCAA Women's Bowling" and this was literally the best that USA Today images could do.
Jason Miller-USA TODAY Sports

In a shocking turn of events, the NCAA today unexpectedly announced that it is terminating the women's bowling program at Vanderbilt.  Women's bowling, which brought the school its first national title in any sport in 2007, had been a national contender for several years and there was no indication that any investigation was underway.

Allegations made against the program have included the use of a human skull embedded in a ball (believed to be that of long-missing Tennessee football quarterback Tyler Bray), improper benefits to star Natalie Goodman (last seen being chauffeured to Hattie B's in a Pagani Zonda F being driven by Epic Records recording artist Billy Gilman), and in the most damning indictment, receiving large undocumented monies through the efforts of a bagman. Exhibit A in the NCAA's case appears to be a 2012 picture of the entire team in the company of the international bon vivant "Travelin'" TJ Turtle, a contemporary and peer of "Worldwide" William Wesley.  The NCAA suspects this turtle of being the bagman in question.

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Reached for comment, Turtle refused to be quoted and referred all inquiries to his attorney, Edward "Pooh Bear" Saunders, who delivered the following statement earlier today.

In light of these accusations, Vice Chancellor David Williams has announced the program will be shut down and replaced with women's quidditch effective for the 2015-16 academic year. The inaugural series will be scheduled against Stanford, which has 18 NCAA quidditch titles since 1997, and Alabama, which claims 54 titles.

(yes, this is an April Fool's post.)