After a full year of struggling with the media, Vanderbilt head coach Derek Mason has turned to an expert to sing the Commodores' praises to the press.
Mason announced on April 1 that he had hired wrestler, life coach, and professional consumer of bull shark testosterone Scott Steiner as the team's Public Relations Czar and Conditioning Coach. Steiner is a veteran of the WWE, WCW, TNA, CZW, ROH, Bumfights, JCW, Billy Blanks's Tae-bo Classes, AAA, Wacky Races, NPJW, MCI, NAWSA, TNM, the Harvard University Distinguished Speakers Foundation, and University of Michigan wrestling program. He's been brought in not just to spit truth at the Tennessean and other media outlets, but also help Vanderbilt's linemen become "genetic freaks."
Mason was effusive in his praise of the wrestling veteran.
"Steiner isn't just a physical freak of nature. He has also displayed time and time again a cerebral mastery of the sports world. That kind of intellect might not play at your Tennessees or Virginias or Michigans, but it fits right in here at Vanderbilt. I think I'll let the Big Bad Booty Daddy speak for himself on this one:"
"I look forward to Coach Steiner's analysis of our season opener against Western Kentucky," continued Mason. "During the interview process he put the Hilltoppers' odds of rushing for more than 100 yards at negative 67 percent."
Priority one, according to Steiner, will be to introduce a training program that emphasizes lean muscle for the team's offensive linemen:
He also expressed hope that he could pass his pancake block secrets down to a new generation of athletes:
"Bottom line, I ain't got NO SYMPY for those FAT ASSES in the trenches," said Steiner. "The rest of this league is all REDNECKS AND WHITE TRASH. I'm gonna get my hands on that Matt Elam kid, who hails from Dunkin' Donuts. He don't live in Lexington, he lives in the GREAT STATE OF OBESITY, and I'm gonna show him what it was like when PEARL HARBOR BOMBED THE GERMANS."
When asked to clarify just what the hell he was talking about, Steiner showed off the kind of charm that will make him a mainstay at Dudley Field.
"'Well you see I work for A HIGHLY EDUCATED UNIVERSITY so when I come out to speak to this WHITE TRASH, I GOTTA DUMB MYSELF DOWN. But apparently that wasn't STUPID ENOUGH for Mr. Paul Finebaum. Holler if you HEAR ME." Upon hearing no hollers, Steiner picked up Clay Travis and spiked him through the press conference's podium face first, drawing muted applause from onlookers and a hearty chuckle from Athletic Director David Williams.
"He picked me up by the throat and threatened to put me in some kind of 'recliner,'" said the Tennessean's Adam Sparks. "I have never been more afraid in my life."
"Mmmmmmphf. Hospital," remarked Travis.
Steiner concluded the press conference and returned to the alley he was picked up from in order to finish the argument he had been having with a stray dog. He directed reporters to his website, BootyDaddy.com, but no one was willing to click that link.
We would like to warmly welcome Big Poppa Pump to the Vanderbilt family.
(yes, this is an April Fool's post)