The First Annual AoG Mock NFL Draft: Now With More Party Liquors

In a May 5^th column for the Philadelphia Daily News, Les Bowen writes that mock drafts, though they attempt to predict which players will be picked where and by whom, are laughably bad at doing just that.  As Bowen reminds us, even the most revered of mock drafters, such as NFL Network’s Mike Mayock, who only releases one mock draft and waits until the day before the draft to do so, and ESPN’s Mel Kiper Jr., known mostly for his hair and relentless mocking of Jets and Colts draft blunders in the 90s, barely hit on any of their picks last year.  Mayock "matched up 11 players with the teams that drafted them" and Kiper was correct on only 6.  If these two, perhaps America’s pre-eminent mock drafters, or at least most recognizable, whose careers are largely tied to the mock draft, can’t do better than 11/32 and 6/32 respectively when trying to read the tea leaves and predict what the various general managers will do, why the hell would anyone even try such a Sisyphean absurdity?

Well, in the first annual Anchor of Gold Mock Draft, we’re not about to push that particular rock up NFL  Mountain.  Instead, the four of us (Christian "Train Island" D’Andrea, Andrew VU ’04, VandyTigerPhD, and VandyImport) are going to simulate a draft in which each of us picks who we would pick if we were the GM on the clock at that precise moment.  We’re not as informed as Mike Mayock (though we’re probably not that far off from being as "astute" as Mel Kiper Jr.), we’ve got nothing riding on this, and we’re going to be drinking the whole time.

So what do we have to offer? Nothing but an encyclopedic array of football knowledge to share with the world. "Encyclopedic" as in "limited in depth" and "made obsolete by the internet." Still, we're trying hard to justify this otherwise shameless excuse to tie our drinking problems to AoG pageviews.

We’re setting the clock at 2 minutes per pick, as any longer, and none of us would agree to do this.  We’ll have trades (probably), shocking picks (most likely), a clairvoyant knowledge of exactly how good each of our selections will be in the NFL (not on your life), and we’ll relentlessly mock each other for making bad selections (definitely).  So pour yourself a beer or your finest Thursday mid-morning bourbon and prepare your internal sociopathic internet commenter so you can tell us we’re all idiots in your finest grammatically flawed glory.

It… Begins…

Andrew VU ’04

All right... so Vandy Import is up first. Your 2 minutes start... Now!

(in other words, just pick, you ass)

Vandy Import

I remember when Casserly passed on Vince Young.  People went ape-shit.  I don't care for the Texans, so I'm giving them just what they think they want.

JOHNNY. FUCKING.  FOOTBALL.

1. 1. Houston Texans – Johnny "Football" Manziel, QB, aTm

VandyTiger PhD

Oh cool, I wanted to have a coronary right away.

Andrew VU ‘04

Well now. That certainly was an "I’m GM and all of you can suck it" pick. Well done, I suppose. Earlier in the draft process, this was a distinct possibility, but it seems more likely that Houston will take Clowney (or Mack) at #1 if they can’t find a trade partner and look to trade back up into round 1 to grab a QB in the midst of a free fall. However, this would certainly sell tickets, now, wouldn’t it?

VandyTiger PhD

f*cking JFF man...

Christian D'Andrea

No! The Browns weep over the loss! Never has the combination of an explosive career fit to spectacularly derail and a city that sucks anything good into its black hole of awful ever fit together more thoroughly. The Browns instantly lament missing out on this opportunity to watch Johnny Football’s ACLs implode in training camp.

Andrew VU ‘04

Okay... anyone want to trade up to #2?

If I get no bids, I'mma have to pick Clowney (even though they’re pretty set at DE with Quinn and Long). I’d punch myself in the face if I passed over the potential next Lawrence Taylor for a tackle or something.

Andrew VU ‘04

So no bids?

Vandy Import

BTW, you have to at least sip with every pick, it's the law

Andrew VU ‘04

All right. I can see we’re in for a long night. No deals... Rams pick Jadeveon Clowney! (Drinks.)

1. 2. St. Louis Rams – Jadeveon Clowney, DE/OLB South Cackalacky Game Penises

VandyTiger PhD

Then with #3 Jags take Dix

(in the butt)

Andrew VU ‘04

No.  You have to take an actual player.

VandyTiger PhD

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix

1. 3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Ramajama

  
I got picked when??? via cdn0.vox-cdn.com

Andrew VU ‘04

Are you insane?!?!

VandyTiger PhD

He is an actual player. Jags need a Safety, brah.

Vandy Import

Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, who was named by Jay Leno at birth.

Christian D’Andrea

Someone started drinking before the rest of us. It’s a power move if you’re trying to emulate the Jaguars.

Andrew VU ‘04

Yes... but... what???  You could have swung a trade with me at 2 easily and grabbed Clowney. Or better yet, traded down to fill the approximately eleventy billion holes on Jacksonville’s roster.

VandyTiger PhD

Who are you talking to, Andrew? Trade for pick #2?

Andrew VU ‘04

Well, not now. I'm saying I was willing to listen to offers for Clowney, but you never offered. And now, with that abortion of a pick, there’s no chance St. Louis would listen. I mean, I know the Jags are trying to move to Los Angeles, but did you have to make their owner follow the plot of Major League? Are you expecting Gus Bradley to have a cardboard cut-out of a pin-up photo of Shad Khan to motivate the team??? All right, Cleveland... you're up... in a complete impossibility.

VandyTiger PhD

/confused

Christian D'Andrea

The Cleveland Browns are the reason why they canceled Intervention after 10 seasons. Anything that’s tragic for longer will turn into an extended punchline. With that in mind, I think they’ll do well to pick up a player who can keep whichever QB is sailing passes over Josh Gordon’s head upright the longest. With the 4th pick in the draft, Cleveland selects...Greg Robinson.

1. 4. Cleveland – Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

VandyTiger PhD

WHISKEY BREAK

4 picks is enough. Time for shots.

**All take shots**

Vandy Import

The Oaklands are thrilled beyond belief to take...wait, do they still do stupid stuff?

Andrew VU ‘04

Almost exclusively.

Vandy Import

Sammy Watkins to the Silver and Black. (AFTER THE FACT JUSTIFICATION: Speed, vertical passing game, and surely they’ll find somebody to get it to him, right?

1. 5. Oakland – Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson

VandyTiger PhD

Poor Sammy Watkins.

Christian D'Andrea

This makes sense. Al Davis looks up from hell and approves.

Vandy Import

Hey, he was spot on about Lane Kiffin. The firing of him, I mean.

Andrew VU ‘04

Then I shall run to the podium for Atlanta and take Khalil Mack.  Boom.

1. 6. Atlanta - Khalil Mack, LB, Buffalo

Christian D'Andrea

Yeah, Atlanta would trade up for Mack in almost any other scenario. Fills a huge need for them. On paper, their defense last season was just a pile of shredded Menudo albums.

Andrew VU ‘04

Seriously. Thomas Dimitroff just surrendered 2 additional picks in this draft and a first in ‘15 on principle to Roger Goodell. Out of reflex, mostly.

Christian D'Andrea

Tampa is up with pick #7.

Andrew VU ‘04

…and with his selection of Clinton-Dix at #3, VandyTigerPhD is clearly already drunk.

VandyTiger PhD

Taylor Lewan

Suck it, aggie.

Andrew VU ‘04

No one knows why this warrants a "suck it, aggie," but we all know what happens before aggie sucks it (hint: it's on the damn helmets), so no one wants to see that.

1. 7. The Tampa Bay Devil Bucs – Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan.

VandyTiger PhD

*walks on the grass*

Andrew VU ‘04

No one knows what that means.

VandyTigerPhD

Am I the only drinking? Because I’m disappointed in all of you if I am

Vandy Import

Half Makers, half Laphraoig, with a dash of bitters. I got the idea from a speakeasy in SF.

Christian D'Andrea

Kind of like a rusty nail, eh?

VandyTiger PhD

drinking the remnandts [drunk sic] of the Woodford Reserve I recommended in my AWESOME fill-in column for VU04

Andrew VU ‘04

Drink roll call?  I've got a Terrapin Recreation Ale.

Christian D'Andrea

You guys ready to lose some respect for me? Whipped cream vodka and Mountain Dew. I believe the kids call this one a Z.Z. Ziff. Anyway, at 8, Vikings select...Blake Bortles, the long lost Gronkowski brother who was put up for adoption in the 1990s.

1. 8. Minnesota – Blake Bortles, QB, UCF

  
via cdn0.vox-cdn.com

VandyTiger PhD

I like the Bortles pick. I was hoping for him to fall longer

Andrew VU ‘04

Yeah, they'd be sprinting for Bortles, methinks. He’s Ben Roethlisberger reincarnated (hopefully, they left out the bathroom rape gene this time). But you missed a golden opportunity to let the clock run out on Minnesota, for old times sake.

Christian D'Andrea

Damn it.

VandyTiger PhD

Bortles is going to be going first of the QBs.

Andrew VU ‘04

Not when GM Vandy Import’s given free reign of Houston, he’s not. (I imagine this involves ostrich boots, a ten gallon hat, spurs, whisky, and an international incident.)

Vandy Import

Well then. At 9, the Toronto Bills panic and select the Duke of Bilgewater.  Teddy Bridgewater, buy yourself some long drawers.

1. 9. Toronto nee Buffalo Bills – Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville

VandyTiger PhD

I was going to do that with the Jets, but you ROONED it!

Andrew VU ‘04

Hahaha... rooooooned! Speaking of "rooned," are you predicting the premature demise of E.J. Manuel? Now don’t get me wrong… I didn’t like Buffalo’s pick of Manuel last year. New coaches often mean new QBs, but they should have been smart enough to realize there just wasn’t a QB worth picking in that draft. If you asked me who I’d rather have, straight up, I’d agree with you that Bridgewater is the guy. So on that note, bravo, but on another, more true note, DID YOU SWITCH TO DRINKING PAINT?! There’s just no way they give up on a first round QB after one up and down year. Not happening. Not. Happening.

In other words, with this run on QBs, the Detroit Lions are currently tripping all over themselves Jerry Lewis-style to take Mike Evans.

1. 10.Detroit – Mike Evans, WR, aTm

Christian D'Andrea

The poor man's Jordan Matthews.

VandyTiger PhD

Real talk – let’s stop for a moment to talk about Jmatt. And it’s not just because I’m stalling on the Titans.

Andrew VU ‘04

He's on my Big Board

Christian D'Andrea

He's not making it out of the first round in this mock

VandyTiger PhD

Thank you, "Andrew Kuiper [drunk sic] VU 04." Well, I meant in reality, CDA

Andrew VU ‘04

This is why the Jets are the laughing stock of the league!

VandyTiger PhD

I'm gonna reach a bit for the Titans.

Andrew VU ‘04

Gross.

Vandy Import

Plus you have fans to alienate!!

VandyTiger PhD

Here’s the reasoning - Titans need a QB, but I feel they give locker another year. There being no RBs worth a 1st rounder, I go with the best CB, Dennard.

1. 11. Tennessee – Darqueze Dennard (possibly misspelled), CB, Michigan State

Christian D'Andrea

They'll regret that when Locker's back explodes this fall.

Vandy Import

They can get Austyn Carta-Samuels as a free agent.  He's got a leg like Deathlok off Agents of SHIELD now

Andrew VU ‘04

Solid pick

VandyTiger PhD

It’s the pick the Titans need to make if they're sticking with Locker

(which they will, lol)

Andrew VU ‘04

Well, if 3 Qbs were gone, they'd have no choice

VandyTiger PhD

I feel like JFF will be there, man. Us crazies aside, JFF isn't going #1.

Christian D'Andrea

At 12, the Giants take Eric Ebron, TE, who will now serve as Eli Manning's new karaoke and hot dog buddy.

1. 12. New Jersey Giants - Eric Ebron, TE, UNC (reading level: poor)

Andrew VU ‘04

He'll surely give him many a reason to do the Manning face. Should we talk about his UNC 3rd grade reading level?

Christian D’Andrea

Nah. Let’s talk about the two better fits I completely ignored to pick him instead. In fact, here comes one now:

Vandy Import

St Louis picks another road grader to make Zac Stacy run for 2K and to keep $60M worth of Sam Bradford upright. Jake Matthews, Aggie.

1. 13. St. Louis – Jake Matthews, OT, aTm

Christian D'Andrea

Yep. Motherf**kers act like I forgot about Jake.

Andrew VU ‘04

Also, Dre.

VandyTiger PhD

That’s a solid pick. Matthews is a good OT and STL needs it for the era of Zac.

Christian D'Andrea

That probably should have been NY's pick. I screwed up.

VandyTiger PhD

No you picked correctly. NY teams have no fucking idea how to draft. A+

Andrew VU ‘04

The Vanderbears would love to have Jordan Matthews, but unfortunately, their defense is crap, and they need to take... Aaron Donald, DT of Pitt.

1. 14. Vanderbears – Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh

Christian D'Andrea
Yes, the other guy that the Giants should have picked.

Vandy Import

How bitter is St Louis that they got stuck with a budget-buster #1 pick right before the new CBA?

Christian D'Andrea

Sam Bradford is worth every bit of that $60m guaranteed.

VandyTiger PhD

It’s the pick the Bears need, not the pick they deserve.

Christian D'Andrea

Jay Cutler sighs disheartedly, debates whether or not Donald could protect his blindside, then lights up a clove cigarette.

Andrew VU ‘04

I don't think StL would be angry at all with Clowney and Jake Matthews. Bears lost their best DT to free agency, so this would be a no brainer. Also, was that a Batman joke? Regardless, you’re up with the Steelers now.

VandyTiger PhD

I’m Steel-nation?

Andrew VU ‘04

Dad, why did you take me to a gay steel mill?

Christian D'Andrea

Where you been, Andrew? The whole steel industry is gay. Yeah, aerospace, too.

Vandy Import

Keep reaching for that rainbow!!

VandyTiger PhD

Steelers are going to follow suit, and get some D-line help and take Tuitt

1. 15. Steel-Nation – Stephon Tuitt, DE, Notre Dame

  

Tuitt smiles proudly after finishing a 144-ounce steak. via cdn1.vox-cdn.com

Vandy Import

Is he round? Because then they could say they finally got a round Tuitt WOCKA WOCKA I GOT JOKES

Christian D’Andrea

I wish we could blame that on the party liquors, but we all know better by now.

Andrew VU ‘04

I could totally see them taking Tuitt. Very blah Steelers blah. And Vandy Import… go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

Christian D'Andrea

Every time I've seen Tuitt, he looks like he'd rather be anywhere else but on a football field. He’s big, I’ll give him that. And, if he’s coming from South Bend, moving to another Rust Belt city that worships its football team is an easy transition. I think Tomlin can make it work.

Andrew VU ‘04

Couldn't agree more.

Christian D'Andrea

Cowboys lost their most likely targets with Dix and Donald off the board. Is it too soon for Jimmy Garoppolo? I’d like to see how Tony Romo reacts when he has to compete against his clone. Will it be like an episode of Orphan Black? Or will it be more like Lost, which was the Tony Romo of serialized television sci-fi dramas?

Let’s come back to that comparison later…

Andrew VU ‘04

All right, Dallas.... pick a QB so you can take Romo outside and shoot him.

Vandy Import

NO NO ROMO IS THE ONLY HOPE WASHINGTON HAS

Christian D'Andrea

Alas, it’s too soon for Jimmy G, and there’s still plenty of talent on the board. They'll roll that disappointment into the BPA and take Anthony Barr at #16

1. 16. Dallas "America’s Team , but Only Because America is in a Sharp Decline" – Anthony Barr, OLB, UCLA

Andrew VU ‘04

Bah!  I wanted the Barr fall to keep on truckin' to Philly. Philly can't possibly trade with Dallas. Bah!

VandyTiger PhD

Most mocks having him fall to the Eagles, which means he won’t ahhahahahahaha

Andrew VU ‘04

You shut your whore mouth.

Vandy Import

The RAAAAAAAAAVENS need line help, so HEY MAW, OHM GONNA GIT SOME NATTY BEWWWWWW AN SOME CRAAAAABS AND SIT BY THE ABOVE GROUND PEWWWWWWWWWL

and take Zack Martin, OT from ND

1. 17. Baltimore "Hey, Remember The Wire" – Zach Martin, OT, Notre Dame

Andrew VU ‘04

Baltimore is literally the worst place.

VandyTiger PhD

Andrew, can you let me pick for the Jets? Please.

Andrew VU ‘04

All right.  With the Jets pick, I really want to take a kicker... but seeing as VandyTiger PhD

is a die hard Jets fan, I'm going to ask him who he'd want...

Vandy Import

F! E! E! T! JETS! JETS! JETS!  Now go pick another TE.

VandyTiger PhD

You know what it means to me, you asshole.

Vandy Import

THE JETS FANS ARE ALREADY BOOING YOU BACK THROUGH TIME

Christian D'Andrea

Holy christ, a die hard jets fan? Were you abused as a child?

Andrew VU ‘04

It's him and that fireman.

VandyTiger PhD

Jets need so much help at OL, I'm going Turner.

Vandy Import

I’m not sure what Joe Namath thinks about that one. Growing up in Alabama, Namath was my idol. I grew up wanting to be him. From the knees down, I made it.

Christian D’Andrea

…that explains all the criminally younger women you’ve drunkenly hit on.

Vandy Import

You laugh but I once danced with an intelligent young lady who was talking about poli-sci programs she wanted to apply to.  I didn’t know she meant undergrad.  It was my girlfriend's cousin's wedding.  It is apparently still a scandal in their family.

Andrew VU ‘04

With the #18 pick, the New York Jets take The Bachman Turner Overdrive!  Play "Taking Care of Business!" Get to the "workin’ overtime" part!!! But seriously, who is Turner? Are you taking Norv?

VandyTiger PhD

LSU G

Andrew VU ‘04

HOLY REACH, BATMAN!!!  YOU GOT HIM!

1. 18. New Jersey Jets – Trai Turner, OG, LSU

VandyTiger PhD

Sua-Filo is the obvious OL pick, but you got to go with someone with the LSU pedigree on OL.

Andrew VU ‘04

I honestly don't know what's more ridiculous.... VandyTiger PhD taking a 3rd rounder for his favorite team or Vandy Import’s story of ill-fated cousin-lovin'.

Vandy Import

IT WAS HER COUSIN NOT MINE

Andrew VU ‘04

That's a Shelbyville move, Import.

Vandy Import

Now if you want to discuss Cousin Pa that's a whole ‘nother draft.

Christian D'Andrea

These are basically the conversations I had about the website before you guys showed up, only I was playing all four roles. I really had a John Nash A Beautiful Mind thing going for me.

Andrew VU ‘04

Well... Miami doesn't really have any of their targets left. So... Dolphins take Morgan Moses OT UVA, and I immediately regret the pick because he has "bust" written all over him.

1. 19. Miami – Morgan Moses, OT, UVA

Christian D'Andrea

Hey guys, the Cardinals got good last season! No, for real! Larry Fitzgerald has basically stopped crying in the shower after games now! Let's make them better: Cardinals take Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State

1. 20. Arizona – Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State

Christian D'Andrea

My dog reacts by puking on the couch. He was thinking quarterback, but he’s only 6 months old and doesn’t yet understand that defense wins championships.

Andrew VU ‘04

Gilbert's a great athlete... no technique, but a great athlete.

Vandy Import

Green Bay is thinking defense, I believe, so I'll throw them Kyle Fuller and watch their faces when it turns out to be a point guard who kills it on Vine videos instead of the CB from VaTech.

1. 21. Green Bay – "Oh God" Kyle Fuller, PG, Vanderbilt

  
Good tackling, and he's got a nose for coming up with a strip. via cdn0.vox-cdn.com 

Andrew VU ‘04

You motherf**ker. Now I have to legitimately think about my Eagles pick.

Vandy Import

Also I'm going to switch to the black cherry cider from Rabbits Foot Meadery down the street as a nice spacer for this bourbon-Scotch concoction.

Andrew VU ‘04

Yes, he's the top cover corner.  Eagles are going to replace D-Jax with D-Jax the Younger: Brandin Cooks.

1. 22. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!! – Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State

Christian D’Andrea

Cooks, one of three guys to have a legitimate case to be taken over Jordan Matthews based on college production. This guy was insane last season – 128 catches for 1,718 yards and 24 touchdowns? Those aren’t even Madden numbers; you’d have to throw it back to Joe Montana Football to find that kind of performance.

VandyTiger PhD

Dennard is the top corner /smug

Vandy Import

sheeeeeeeeeeeit

Andrew VU ‘04

That's like... your opinion, man...

VandyTiger PhD

Ok, Kansas City needs OL help, especially at Guard, but no guards are worth taking this early so I go to KC's next need - Wr.  We take Odell Beckham.

1. 23. Kansas City Chefs – Odell Beckham Jr., WR, LSU

Andrew VU ‘04

Yeah... I don't get all the Odell love from the mock draft literati.  They're saying he'll go top 12-15... we say no. No brainer there, though. However, I love how your rationale is due to there not being any guards worth taking… when you begged us all to let you take LSU’s Trai Turner at pick #18. The hell?

Christian D’Andrea

These are the types of decisions that they should have included in that Kevin Costner abomination that recently came out.

Vandy Import

Waterworld?

Christian D’Andrea

Yes.

Christian D'Andrea

Bengals keep things in state and pick up a guy who got torched by the whitest receiver in the Big Ten this year...Bradley Roby

1. 24. Cincinnati – Bradley "The Reason Vandy Offered a Scholarship to Jordan Matthews" Roby, CB, An Ohio State University

Andrew VU ‘04

HE'S THE REASON WE GOT MATTHEWS! Also, I think he’s turrrrble. Just has no defensive instincts. Andre Hal’s a better corner than Roby, in my opinion. And it isn’t particularly close. Jordan Matthews will eat his lunch.

Christian D’Andrea

But he measures out so well! And he’s a Buckeye! And guys named Roby have a history of big hits, especially if they're punters!

Vandy Import

Chargers need a CB as well.  Jason Verrett, TCU

1. 25. San Diego… Super Chargers! – Jason Verrett, CB, TCU

VandyTiger PhD

The right time for him, imo.

Vandy Import

HOW IS DEF LEPPARD PERFORMING ON MY TELEVISION WHAT THE ORGANIC CORN FED SHIT IS THIS

Christian D'Andrea

Based on our earlier conversations, I wouldn't be surprised if all your electronics were suffering some sort of gypsy curse that has trapped all your media in the 1990s.

Vandy Import

That might be a step up, actually.

Christian D'Andrea

you are never gonna believe how twin peaks ends.

Andrew VU '04

...it becomes a Hooters knock-off restaurant

Vandy Import

OH DON'T START WITH ME I WAS THROWING ZIMA BOTTLES AT THE TELEVISION

okay, it was Clearly Canadian
BUT STILL I WAS PISSED

Andrew VU ‘04

No one knows what either of you are talking about. Anyway… this might seem like a luxury pick for Cleveland, but he's fallen too far not to take... C.J. Mosley LB Alabama.

1. 26. Cleveland (Because Indy believed in Richardson) – C.J. Mosley, ILB, Ramajama

Andrew VU ‘04

What do you think of Mosely, Browns fans? By the way, 7th inning stretch at the baseball game.... down 9-7.

Vandy Import

FUCKING HELL COME ON VANDY BOYS I WANT MAH BARREL

VandyTiger PhD

Ok, the Saints need a CB, but with all the real first rounders gone, we go to OL, and take Filo.

1. 27. New Orleans – Xavier Sua-Filo, OG, UCLA

Andrew VU ‘04

The guard from UCLA?  INSTEAD OF JORDAN MATTHEWS?!?!? HERESY!

Christian D’Andrea

AND YOU GET A GUARD! AND YOU! AND YOU GET ONE TOO, SAINTS! I’m beginning to catch on to VTPhD’s draft strategy here.

VandyTiger PhD

Saints dont need a WR.

Andrew VU ‘04

Yes they do. The Saints fans I know now want to murder you. They’ve placed a bounty on your head. Unironically.

Christian D'Andrea

Panthers take Steve Smith's replacement...Marqise Lee. And immediately regret skipping over Jordan Matthews.

1. 28. Cah-lina – Marqise Lee, WR, USC

VandyTiger PhD

Bobby’s gonna be pissed. (shoutout to my old roommate, yo)

Andrew VU ‘04    

He would be ecstatic about Lee, but would have an aneurism over not taking Jordan Matthews. Onto the Pats…

VandyTiger PhD

VandyImport, you’re drafting for the worst people on the planet - the Pats.

Christian D'Andrea

hate hate hate

Vandy Import

True story, because I have not lied yet tonight: I pass a car on the regular going to work that is a BMW with a Pats frame and the vanity plate 16 N 0. Well I'm going to make that douchebag's night. Because WITH THE TWENTY NINTH PICK OF THE 2014 NFL SELECTION MEETING, THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SELECT THE IMMORTAL JORDAN MATTHEWS, WIDE RECEIVER, UNIVERSITY OF VANDERBILT

1. 29. New England – Jordan Matthews, WR, Vanderbilt

Vandy Import

(DRINKS HANDLE OF JACK DANIELS, SMASHES BOTTLE OVER HEAD)

Christian D’Andrea

And just like that, Tom Brady’s career is extended by 12 seasons and 13 Super Bowl Championships.

Andrew VU ‘04

Well, I was going to pick him with SF, but since that's off the table... I’m going to have to think. Now that I've put a lot of thought into this pick... and there's no way Aldon Smith keeps himself out of jail for that much longer... so they need a rush OLB.... and I'm giving them Demarcus Lawrence LB Boise St.

1. 30. San Fransisco – Demarcus Lawrence, OLB, Boise State

Andrew VU ‘04

Hold on, Vandy Tiger PhD, you've got a trade offer!

VandyTiger PhD

Matthews going to the Pats might literally make me turn my gun on myself.  Im not even joking.

Andrew VU ‘04

The Eagles offer their 2nd, 3rd, and 5th for Denver's pick #31.

Vandy Import

Drafting with a bloodstream full of party likker is not for the weak.  I would have been an AWESOME GM in the AFL.

Andrew VU ‘04

Again, Denver... I'll offer you the Eagles 2nd, 3rd and 5^th. What say you, Vandy Tiger PhD?

VandyTiger PhD

I hate the Pats with a passion equal to the energy of a supernova.

Andrew VU ‘04

I’ll say it thrice, then: Eagles offer 2nd, 3rd, and 5th for Denver's 1^st.

VandyTiger PhD

Denver accepts.

Christian D'Andrea

Eagles are on the clock. Seattle would have accepted that deal as well in order to keep costs down.

Vandy Import

They gotta pay Russell Wilson's alimony.  That ain't easy.

Andrew VU ‘04

Sweet!  With the 31st pick, the Philadelphia Eagles select :   Calvin Pryor S UL

1. 31. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!! – Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville

Vandy Import

BTW I figured it out. This thing is Def Leppard performing the album Hysteria live and in order.

Christian D'Andrea

Pryor was the best player available. Hysteria was the best Def Leppard album available. People are making sound decisions all around.

Andrew VU ‘04

Speaking of UL... they just made a 2 run saving defensive play... blargedy.

Vandy Import

Fucksacks.

Andrew VU ‘04

Yeah... almost took him at 22, but I liked Cooks too damn much. So who does Seattle take to close this out... or would they take the Eagles 4th, 6th, 7th, and a 2nd next year?

Vandy Import

Why do you think I got this drinking habit?

Andrew VU ‘04

I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’ll venture a guess. Genetics?

Christian D'Andrea

Seattle doesn't need him, but they'll roll the dice on Ryan Shazier, LB, Ohio State

1. 32. Seattle – Ryan Shazier, OLB, An Ohio State University

Vandy Import

Wait. What the shit? This draft machine only goes one round. What the hell, man?

VandyTiger PhD

We're only doing one round, VI.

Andrew VU ‘04

All right.  Good draft all.  This has literally no chance of happening.

Christian D'Andrea

Haha. I look forward to comparing Thursday's results to our picks. I will mail the most accurate picker a shot of black velvet.

Andrew VU ‘04

I no longer want to win.

Christian D’Andrea

Not, like, in a sealed package or anything. I’m just gonna pour it in an envelope and hope for the best.