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To Serve Fans: Necessary Nicknames For Our Basketball Players

Alternate title: LaSureThing *And Other Nicknames for the Basketball Team Another alternate title: Take Lachance on Me *And Other Reasons to Instantly Hate This Article.

Representatives from the Western Carolina Kanamits, leaving Earth forever after we destroyed them yesterday.
Representatives from the Western Carolina Kanamits, leaving Earth forever after we destroyed them yesterday.

Today, I'm taking a much needed break from judging the National Grammar Rodeo (in Canada), and am going to use my morning for more productive means.  That, or my schedule has aligned (based on field trips and other such nonsense) such that I don't need to do any real, actual work until 10:15am.  Either way, you asked for nicknames, and you're going to get them, whether I have to drag you kicking and screaming through every forced name-based pun, tearing the flesh with the asphalt-smashed glass of witty word-play until you relent and accept me as your God.

That got dark.  Moving on...

Rule 1: I am not allowed to re-use nicknames I've given to baseball players.  You will see no instances of "The Aluminum Foil," "The Cold Stone K-Reamer," or "Turd Ferguson" here.

^None of that.

Rule 2: No tact.

Rule 3: The entropy of a system approaches a constant value as the temperature approaches absolute zero.

Let's begin with the obvious.  After his hot shooting night against the Will Perdue Institute of Higher Learning and Chicken Ranch, Riley LaChance was instantly christened "LaSureThing" by the eminent VandyImport.  As my first impulse was to give him a nickname based on an Abba song, I'm going to ignore my impulse here and cede the floor to the man in California.  It is decided.

Riley LaSureThing

^Ain't nothin' to fuck with.

Next up, we've got his backcourt mate Wade Baldwin IV.  Aside from this being one of the most Vanderbilt names to ever Vanderbilt (falling short only to my college roommate and current congressional candidate Alden Whiteside Smith III), it's exceedingly easy upon which to apply a moniker.

He's "The Fourth."  He just is.  As in "The Fourth Amendment," as his defensive footwork will prevent any government entity from illegally searching and/or seizing his house.  HE WILL PROTECT THIS HOUSE.

^Not the actual Wade Baldwin, but it came up in a Google image search and perfectly encapsulated the spirit of Wade "The Fourth" Baldwin.  No one's searching or seizing his house.  No one.

Let's stay in the backcourt.  Matthew Fisher-Davis is oft referred to as "MFD," which is impossible to read as anything other than "Mother-Fucker Davis."  There is to be no argument on this one.

^First name "Mother-Fucker."  Last name "Davis."

Shelton Mitchell chose the number zero.  He shall be "Guard Zero."  Or "Not Quite Robert Parish."  I haven't decided.

^One more zero, son, and you'll be nothin' to fuck with.

Front court time.  Luke Kornet inspires a lot of nicknames.  There's the name-based pun "The Trumpet," and the logical extension "The Horn of War."  From there, we get "The Harbinger," which is just fitting.  He may not kill you himself, but he'll force you to pay attention to him, and doing so frees up the lethal outside shooting of LasureThing and Mother-Fucker Davis.

^Ain't nothing to fuck with.  *Almost named him "Son of Frank."  Didn't.

Damian Jones.  "The Omen."  (Drops mic.)

^Picked up mic.  Dropped it again.

There are other players, yes, but I've got to head to work now, and I am not giving Shelby Moats a nickname.  No way in hell.

Well, maybe this one.