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Reading the Tea Leaves: VU v. UF

Suck my crystal balls, I'm using @FloridaMan to predict this damned game!

By Andrew VU '04
Closed eyes. Meth'd out. Can lose.
Closed eyes. Meth'd out. Can lose.
Sam Greenwood

I apologize in advance for the extreme lateness of this prediction (11/8/2014 at 8:16am CT), but the parent-folk flew into town Thursday, it's the lady friend's birthday week, I've got over a hundred essays and tests to grade, and more things you don't care about.

Regardless, I like the cut of CDA's jib here, as this is just screaming "trap game!" for the Jorts.  Let's analyze this further: 1) UF is the most bipolar team in football (which is surprising, seeing as Les Miles still coaches at LSU).  2) UF just curb-stomped Georgia, and no one knows how this happened.  3) Will Muschamp exists.

Hell, I'll throw in two more for good measure: 4) Noah is ugly.  5) Walsh, you suck!

However, none of this matters when practicing one's prognostication against a Muschamp-led Florida team.  What you must do instead is read the tea leaves of the @FloridaMan Twitter account.

Leading into last weekend's match-up against Georgia, Florida Man was in his manic state.  Consider the events of Thursday, October 30th.

First, he got all gacked up on party liquors, crammed himself into his kid's Halloween costume, and told his neighbor what's what:

Florida Man Breaks Into Friend's House While Dressed as Teletubby, Dumps Leftover Chinese Food Into 'Man Purse' |

Was that Teletubby wearing jorts?  We can only assume.  This was just the beginning, though, as later that night, Florida Man finished off the last of his artisanal methamphetamines and... well... I'll let his actions do the talking:

Florida Man Flees Store With Stolen Chainsaw Stuffed Down Shirt; Tries to Ride Away on Bicycle, Which is Also Stolen

If that isn't proper game-prep for a UGA slaughter, I don't know what is.  However, this meth-fueled chainsaw theft whilst be-costumed as a Teletubby wouldn't be enough to ensure a Gators win.  That's why on Friday October 31st, the day before the reckoning, they had to pray to the Church of the Lord, Thy Tebow:

Florida Man Says "Spiritual Calling" Led Him to Wander Around Outside Naked in Nothing But Cock Ring |

The result: UF 38, UGA 20.

Now let's take a look at Florida Man's behavior this week.  Is he gacked to the gills, or crashing down to reality (in need of more gack-juice)?

On Wednesday November 5th:

Florida Man Caught Burglarizing Car in IHOP Parking Lot, Poops Pants |

Hmm... could this be a harbinger of things to come?  Can't yet say, as we all know the problems of Hasty Generalization and Small Sample Size.

On Thursday, November 6th, the be-crapped jorts-wearing man's life got even worse:

Florida Man Finds Dead Body in Foreclosed Home He Just Bought |

The spiral's beginning.  1) He crapped his jorts.  2) There's a dead body in the "Too Good To Be True" house he just bought at foreclosure rates.  He's one "soliciting an undercover cop for sex by offering $3 and a chicken dinner" away from a full-fledged anhedonia-fueled catatonic state.

Florida Man Offers Undercover Cop $3 and Chicken Dinner in Exchange For Sex |

Other. Foot. Dropped.  This does not bode well for Muschamp.

The Pick: Vanderbilt 27, Florida 26. I'm calling it here.  UF: Missed XP.  Missed 2 point conversion attempt with the clock running low.  None of Vandy's scores will make a lick of sense.  Muschamp's fired on the tarmac.

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