1. Lost Lake Naturally Brewed Pilsner BeerAlcohol by volume: 4.2%
Christian: All I taste is sweet corn and bananas. Like a safari through deepest, darkest Iowa.
Gumbercules: Your dog just jumped up here, smelled it, and ran away.
C: And he loves beer, too! In his defense, he DID spend all afternoon eating deer turds in the backyard. I guess he has a pretty refined palate.
G: It reminds me almost exactly of Old Style, except no one is threatening to punch me for being a Pirates fan while I drink it.
C: Why is there a picture of the lake on the can if it's lost? Clearly they know where it is. They photographed it.
G: Maybe it's like a milk carton. Have you seen this lake?
C: This lake was a product of divorce and now its father has taken it to live upstate after hearing about its dreams to become a waterfall.
G: They found used needles under the lake's bed and now it has to live on the streets until it gets clean again.
C: 4.2 percent alcohol. I feel like your standard hobo wouldn’t even drink this with breakfast.
G: They didn’t even put it on the label, which is unusual because everything else written on this can is in a size 24 font.
C: Ingredients: Water, Compost, Fish Bits, Shame.
G: I can see why they would be proud of that.
Rating: A runaway train, tearing up the track.
2. Twisted Tea Frosted CherryABV: 5%
G: What I never understood is why Twisted Tea is so popular in the northeast when real iced tea is such a southern thing.
3. Steel Reserve Alloy Series: Spiked Punch
4. Icehouse EDGE
C: I feel like it's eating away at my facial hair.
G: It's not as terrible as I wanted it to be. After the Steel Reserve, nothing really tastes like anything.
C: I can't tell if the redness on my tongue is from the fruit punch food coloring or if my throat is bleeding from the Twisted Tea.
C: Frankly, I'm disappointed. With the Icehouse branding and the high alcohol content, I expected this to be aggressively bad. Instead it's just passably terrible.
G: This is the beer your 21-year-old cousin buys when he realizes he can get single cans at gas stations.
C: This is just the John Mayer of high gravity beers. I mean, sure, it's there. But why?
G: What we needed tonight was the Enrique Iglesias of high gravity beers.
C: Yeah, we failed on that one.
Rating: Xanax-inspired soft rock.
You can find previous editions of our King Can Taste Tests here: