In years past, Schadenfreude Fridays were a way to comfort the faithful. As Vanderbilt scrambled to replace Bobby Johnson and turned to a former turkey inseminator to handle his post, these articles reminded us that things somehow, someway, could always be worse. It's how we turned a series of articles with a vague, tangentially-related connection to sports into our most-liked pieces on Facebook.
Now, the Vanderbilt football team is entering an era of prosperity unlike any Nashville has ever seen before. James Franklin is bringing recruits that would have never even opened their letters from Vanderbilt in years past to Dudley Field to don the black and old gold. He's made friends with high-level players and enemies with high-level coaches in his quest to build a winning tradition at Vanderbilt. All signs suggest that it's working, too.
So with interest and happiness surrounding this team at an all-time high, that means that we should abandon the schadenfreude, right?
Absolutely not. In our commitment to finding miserable wrecks to write about and content to plug in during the dog days of college sports, we're pleased to announce that Schadenfreude Fridays will continue the AoG tradition of laughing at the misfortune of others. It won't be every week, but we're committed to finding the failures that will put next year's basketball rebuilding process in a more favorable light.
Today, we go back to a familiar well; the king can. Our first installment was met with some favorable reviews, but also with the recurring theme of "let's not do this again" from myself and fellow taster Gumbercules. However, with spring looming and no major sports on tap besides baseball, we were forced back the place where $7 can make any man feel like a king; the malt liquor aisle of our local Woodman's.
Needing a theme, we grabbed the first four watermelon flavored 24-ounce cans we could find, partially due to a lack of creativity and mostly because we don't like ourselves. What followed is recorded in our running diary below. A disclaimer to those who want to emulate our experiment; my partner Gumbercules suffered through a rare three-day hangover after these tests, including a span where his legs refused to work properly. Recreate at your own risk.
G: If it taaaaaakes forevveeeer.
G: I willlll waaaaaaait for yooooou.
CD: OH GOD STOP
CD: (sniffling) Yeah, the tears burn a little. Fry's dog...I...just...
G: It just smells like a headache.
Rating: Secretly terrible.
CD: Also, young adult males, or have we already forgotten the Icing craze of 2010?
G: Ah yes, the "prank" where you hand your friend a free drink for no reason.
CD: Yeah, it really wasn't much of a problem unless you didn't like Smirnoff Ice.
G: I don't know anybody who doesn't like Smirnoff Ice.
CD: That sounds like something someone would say to Chris Hansen on "To Catch a Predator."
G: Moving on.
Well, there you have it. The Smirnoff was drinkable, the Tilt was alcoholic watermelon syrup, and the Axe Head and Joose were both mostly gasoline. I hope this helps all of our homeless readers out there better understand their options when it comes to the king can. Any questions, insults, or suggestions for the next round of king cans? Be sure to leave them in the comments below.