Schadenfreude Fridays

Schadenfreude Fridays: The Terrible Items at the NCAA Vanderbilt Online Shop

By Christian D'Andrea@TrainIsland May 18, 2010, 10:12am EDT

While searching for scoring updates on Sunday's Vanderbilt/Duke NCAA Tournament game (a heartbreaking loss? How new and original for Vanderbilt!), I accidentally got sucked in to NCAA.com's online store for Vanderbilt apparel. While the initial draw of a home gold Jermaine Beal jersey (only $59.99!) got me browsing, the original intrigue soon devolved into confusion as I scrolled through pages of what I can only assume is some of the worst selling gear the NCAA offers.

You can't fault the NCAA for their wide range of selections, but some of their ideas come from the vault of failed Christmas nightmares. Even the good stuff is overpriced, but it's the awful things that are truly a waste of money. Below are the Vanderbilt items that no fan should ever order. You'll be able to find them at T.J. Maxx in a few months anyway...

Vanderbilt Commodores #17 Black Game Day Football Jersey

Price: $49.95

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Oh, excellent. I was hoping I could still get a D.J. Moore jersey in a style that the team has never, ever worn. This particular jersey is perfect for the asshole who wants to make it absolutely clear that he went to Vanderbilt but still wants you to know that he's never actually watched a football game. The "Vanderbilt" nameplate is an especially nice touch so people don't just assume that you robbed some middle school's athletic department.

Vanderbilt Commodores Mascot Plush Slippers

Price: $24.95

"Terrify children and adults alike by wearing the skinned carcass of our already creepy mascot on your feet! Despite being brutally beheaded, Mr. C smiles through every step."

Vanderbilt Commodores Ash Always In Season T-shirt

Price: $16.95

Oh, God no. The good thing about football season in Nashville is that it mercifully ends sometime around Vanderbilt's 30th turnover and fourth heartbreaking loss. Part of the excitement of the stretch run in November is that it's giving way to basketball season, where the Commodores are actually, you know, good. Neither the fragile psyche nor the swollen livers of Vandy fans could take a year-round football season. Whoever wears this shirt next season is getting struck.

Vanderbilt Commodores Infant Black Start 'Em Young T-shirt

Price: $12.95

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That's right, get your children on track for a lifetime of sports-related disappointments at a young age! If they know nothing but failure, they'll appreciate a 4-8 football season! This child's t-shirt comes with flash cards labeled "APR," "Graduation Rates," and "Recruiting Standards."

Nike Vanderbilt Commodores #10 Black Replica Football Jersey

Price: $60.00

"No no no, this isn't a Larry Smith jersey, it's an Earl Bennett. Come on, guys. Remember the good old days of Cutler to Bennett and 4-0 starts?"

Vanderbilt Commodores Ladies Black Script and Logo T-shirt

Price: $18.95

Come on, NCAA, you can't just half-ass an Ed Hardy/Affliction style shirt like this. Where are the skulls? Where are the angels' wings? Why isn't there a gargoyle crying in the background on top of a pile of armor?!? How are we supposed to tell which girls are douchebags if they don't have hearts and script writing airbrushed onto their Vanderbilt shirts?

Vanderbilt Commodores Round Heart Tiffany Style Toggle Bracelet

Price: $12.95

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There's a solid collection of Vandy jewelry, and while none of it seems awful, it's description as "Tiffany style" is going the extra mile in trying to convince me that dangly earrings with a giant "V" on them would be a great gift for my girlfriend's birthday after I've forgotten it...again. I am certain that that is not true. Vanderbilt jewelry is probably the warning signal you need to realize that you no longer care about the relationship you are in, regardless of whether you're buying it or wearing it. Face it, you've pretty much given up.

Vanderbilt Commodores Ladies Black-Gold Striped Knee-High Socks

Price: $7.95

Granted, the socks are pretty ugly, but my problem here is that the mannequin seems to suggest that they be worn with some kind of stripper heel. Do black and gold stripes go with lucite heels and baby oil? They better, because I like my strippers to seem educated.

Vanderbilt Commodores 69'' x 48'' Plaid Jacquard Woven Blanket Throw

Price: $59.95

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This one, actually, is pretty sweet as a throw blanket. However, the fact that it doesn't come in a sweater-vest with matching bow-tie to be ironically worn to a tailgate just shows that the NCAA is calling the shots in this store, and not the Vanderbilt populace.

Black 24-Piece Team Color Deluxe Plastic Cutlery Set

Price: $3.50

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Am I...am I missing something here? These are just black forks, right? Does this suggest that all black forks have an inherent Vanderbilt quality? Does that mean that all dark cutlery enjoys drinking Bud Select, driving SUVs, wearing collared shirts, using words like "bro" and being vaguely racist?

So there's a quick look at the terrible offers you can find at Vanderbilt's NCAA shop. If you buy anything there, you'll earn my utter disdain for at least a season - unless you're turning that throw blanket into a sweater vest, at which point I'll at least give you a chuckle and halfhearted point. I'll be the guy wearing one of those sweet D.J. Moore jerseys, bro.