The last few days have been rough for us Vanderbilt fans. For a while, the Black and Gold faithful abounded with unfettered joy, because "#gusiscoming". Then he wasn't. And it was embarrassing. Deflating.
But, worry not, beleaguered Commodores! Whether James Franklin checks "yes" on the note we passed him in class yesterday (tip of the bicorne to VSL), there's light at the end of the tunnel.
When the going gets tough, the tough get snarky. And there's nothing better to snark about than fans of the State Institution of Knoxville writing about the Vanderbilt coaching search.
Today, the Tennessee Scout site has some of the worst writing I have ever seen anywhere. It's literally possible that the person who wrote it either (a) doesn't speak English as a his first language (a possibility that will make me feel bad about mocking him); or (b) graduated from the Institution in Knoxville with a major in English (zing!).
It is so bad that I decided to slog through it line-by-line for your schadenfreuding pleasure. Enjoy.
"Noticing that there is more attention being paid to the next Vanderbilt hire than the current hire made by Florida is keeping news wires hot."
Who is "noticing"? The author? Or the news wires? But the news wires are being kept hot by the "attention being paid," right? Basically this is two fragments in search of a subject. I think he was trying to say that he, the author, has been noticing the wires are hot with news about Vanderbilt, and that VU is earning more notice than Florida. I think.
"Without question finds the spotlight is on Vandy to make the right hire."
I have no idea what this means. There are two verbs here; again, there is no discernible subject.
"Pressure that was not visibly seen before now surrounds the stately campus in southwest Nashville."
It's a good thing he added the adverb "visibly," otherwise I would mistook his metaphor for "audibly seen." I agree that our gorgeous 330-acre, National Arboretum-designated campus is stately, but it sure ain't in "southwest Nashville." That'd be like Bellevue, right? We're in Midtown, bro. Call it West End (for Pete's sake, we're inside I-440: Google Map it).
"Uneasiness surrounding the Commodore athletics’ milking the SEC for annual payout’s, yet are not contributing an equal share is gaining momentum and greater notice."
Who is uneasy? The author? Commodore athletics? Also, how are we milking the SEC's annual payouts? Last time I checked, all SEC revenue -- including baseball and basketball (men's and women's) goes into the SEC pot. Hard to argue we're not contributing there (and in every other non-football sport). As for football revenue, all our games were on TV = the SEC made money on all our games. Even the one v. Eastern Michigan (!).
"It was thought that the success seen under Bobby Johnson would see a leaf turning for Vandy. The program’s tarnish was lifted enough to see how poorly the conditions surrounding football, the big money earner in the SEC’s annual payout had been neglected."
I applaud the passive voice sentence, because at least there's a discernible subject. But then we get into this leaf turning thing. Was this article written by someone with English as a second language? It has the off-key sound of a foreigner trying to use English idioms, similies, and metaphors for the first time. And doing so awkwardly.
"The ... tarnish was lifted ... to see how poorly the conditions ... had been neglected." Yes: the tarnish around your writing shows how poorly the conditions have been neglected. Of your brain?
"Johnson’s 'do more with less,' brought forth long overdue upgrades to the campus facilities. His surprising departure staggered the conference and the Commodore program immeasurably."
I think Bobby Johnson did more with more: better recruits and facilities upgrades happened under CBJ, and, of course, he took us to the 2008 Music City Bowl. As for his staggering departure, I think he meant surprising. The SOutheastern Conference was not "staggered" by the coach from from one of the bottom-four schools leaving.
"Propelled by the prophetic musings of David Climer at the Tennessean Newspaper, found the axe befall upon Robbie Caldwell after his eleventh game, in a short head coaching tenure despite his amusing humor."
Seriously: what the heck? David Climer propels NOTHING at Vanderbilt University. And there's a reason Vanderfolk refer to to the Nashville daily as the "UTennessean." "Found the axe befall upon Robbie Caldwell" sounds like some effort to imitate Middle English -- it vaguely recalls Beowulf to me.
And I'm glad Robbie's humor was amusing, rather than revolting (cf. turkeys, insemination of).
"Speaking with Dave the very next week in articulated conversation, noted the awareness that enough was not being done for dear old Dudley Field."
What is articulated conversation? I checked dictionary.com, and "articulated" means "consisting of segments held together by joints." That certainly explains Climer's musings -- along with Joe Biddle's. Who noted the awareness, by the way?
Dear old Dudley Field: indeed, it is dear to us (in a sadomasochist sort of way) and it is rather old.
"On a personal note I recalled from my own educational time spent there that more attention was paid by boosters in Green Hills to their impressive flotilla’s moored on Dale Hollow, than being good Vandy alums. It’s a fact. If it can be done at Stanford, Northwestern and at Southern California then why not dear old Vandy?"
Alums pay more for impressive flotillas on Dale Hollow Lake so as to maintain parity in the naval arms race that's threatening the peace of Middle Tennessean trade routes. Why just last week, Hendersonvillian naval forces threatened Gallatinite ships with-- okay, okay: I'll stop. But gosh, I don't want to.
There are nine more paragraphs of this article. Add your own favorite lines in the comment box.
And please, Vice Chancellor Williams: if you're reading this, hire someone soon. Otherwise, the Black and Gold family is going to go crazy.