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If I had to compare our 'Dores thus far to the movie Avatar....

WARNING:  If you have any interest in seeing this 3 hr masturbatory piece of shit, don't read ahead.  If you don't however, please try to follow. 

1) Price: I paid 13.50 freaking dollars for this piece of garbage.  For 13.50 at a 'Dores game, I can get a seat and a pretzel.  Or if I'm thirsty, a water-downed disappointment known as a Large Diet Ice (Diet Coke).  ADVANTAGE: 'DORES

2) Main Character:  The main character in Avatar, Jake Sully, is this whiny bitch who for some reason beyond me is crippled.  Thank you, James Cameron, for making a 3hr metaphor about how great it is for this guy to get up and run around in a 15 foot blue alien costume.  Lost managed to have a cripple, but didn't keep rubbing it in your damn face.  Apparently he is the greatest genius in the entire world, for he is able to master an alien tongue (which coincidentally sounds a lot like anything you'll hear on the planet Earth) within a couple weeks, as well as learn how to jump from tree to tree like he was Mowgli from effing Jungle Book.  I would have to say Vandy's main character this year has been Kevin Stallings.  The man has had to manage a rotation with a star freshman, something that is never easy for any coach.  The players looked like they were having fun last night.  Players who were starters last year were actually getting up and clapping for their teammates.  If they keep playing like they're having fun, it should be a good run.  ADVANTAGE: 'DORES

3) PLOT:  Follow me here:  Three people are brought in to remotely control their "Avatars" to find out as much as possible about this supposed "meanest and most deadly race in the universe".  They finally get into their 15 foot blue, alien bodies (there was never any need for this by the way) and start to walk around and enter the blue alien civilization.  Now, the whole plot is centered around the blue aliens not figuring out that these avatars are any different from them and simply want to learn from them.  Yet, they are walking around in jeans, shirts, and have A FREAKING ARMY BASE right outside the forest.  These "natives" are people who fly around on some pteradactyl like creature, and you're telling me that they DON'T SEE THE GIANT WALKING ROBOTS stolen from the Matrix? Gimme a damn break.  Anyhow, seemingly eight hours later, the humans blow up the alien tree to get at some mineral under the tree, and because the main character has fallen in love with this blue alien chick (Neytiri), he has to fight back. Blah, blah, blah, the aliens eventually win.  Yay, everyone's happy.  I could have told this story in 1 hour.

Vandy has a much easier to follow plotline.  Follow up last year's disappointing season with an NCAA tournament bid and hopefully at least one win in the tourney. Now, losses to jokers WKU  do happen, but we can't have mental letdowns like that anymore.  The table is set for a respectable SEC record and unquestioned tournament bid.  We don't have to worry about any jellyfish-shaped seedlings from a tree to breathe life back into our players.  (This actually happened in the movie)


4) Most recent enemy: This, believe it or not, was the most unbelievable thing about this piece of shit.  The 2150 American Army, with uneblievable advances in technology (walking robots, highly maneuverable hover planes) are STILL USING RIFLES AND FLAMETHROWERS!! Wouldn't they have lasers at this point?  Anyway, as they go to attack the 15 foot smurfs in the final battle, they get beaten and overtaken by PTERADACTYLS and blue aliens.  I mean, they have no weapons besides bows and arrows.  Their only attack method is to run the pteradactyls into the huge, armored planes of the Americans.  Are you fucking kidding me?  really?  I mean, this was the biggest upset since Douglas dropped Tyson.  Seriously, there is no way that the Americans could have or should have possibly lost this battle.  It was completely implausible and made me want to puke my brains out.

The Mercer Bears, pretty menacing, huh?, were equally incompetent.  They tried to play a lot of zone, and the players looked lost.  Their only saving grace was having ths guy on their team.  I mean, if there is any bigger sparkplug than Ridas Pulkauninkas, I'd like to see it.  I mean, he would run everywhere, hit some threes, smiled some, and I don't think understood a word of what his coach was trying to say.  The rest of the team, however, did not show up to play. But at least one did.


Supporting Cast:  Sigourney Weaver is the most unlikeable person to have in this role.  First of all, she's not hot.  The last time she was hot was when she was in the arms of Peter Venkman in the GhostBusters.  No one cares that her character died.  At all.  I was actually happy, because it meant the movie was getting closer to the end.  No other character in the movie made you want to care at all about the plot, each was poorly developed, and each made you want to claw your eyes out and eat them. 

The Vanderbilt Commodores actually stepped up as a whole team for one of the rare times thus far this year.  Each player that played contributed, but for the life of me I can't understand why Lance "Give me the ball and I'll drive until I get a charge or turn it over" Goulbourne is getting more playing time than Hinkle, that is beyond me.  I'm a big fan of Hinkle's Tinkles.  Also, I was very glad that Paisley started knocking down some open shots, and if last night was any indication, John Jenkins is starting to become the shooter we thought he could be.  A.J. Zombilvy still looks lost.  Every shot he is taking is either a fade away hook or a slippery driving layup against a 6'5" center. This is a bit of a concern.  I understand that I am not in the locker room, and that I don't know his full health status, but he looks extraordinarily bored sitting on the bench.  But at least he has a fun beard and is Australian.  That always helps.


Overall Experience:  The 3D was cool for about an hour. There are only so many 3d plants and trees one can look at before getting extraordinarily bored and frustrated. By the end of the movie, I wanted to walk out just to protest the pile of turds I had paid to see. The message was a not-so-veiled reference to the plight of Native Americans, which is fine, but don't try to hide it!  Make a movie about Native Americans!  Not 15 foot blue Aliens and jellyfish seeds!  The movie was preachy, idiotic, senseless, and not worth the millions it is raking in.  Give me a fucking break, James Cameron, why don't you take my car, too?

The Mercer game was equally boring, but only because there were roughly 50 fouls called in the second half.  And, to the fat lady sitting behind me, you have the most annoying voice of any fat person I have ever met.  If you yell at opposing players one more time, I am personally going to have to buy you some chicken fingers so that I don't have to hear you.