The 2013 Vanderbilt football season from three different Universes.
It is a great burden and responsibility to have intimate knowledge of the workings of time and space itself. While I am often tempted to modify a DeLorean, I have instead used this talent to make contact with future-me in three different Universes. I asked these future-mes to tell me how the Vanderbilt season went in their respective Universes. Their responses varied wildly.
Because I'm such a generous person, I'm sharing their responses with all of you. Collectively, I find them to be a reasonable pessimistic/optimistic outlook of what we can expect this year. Without further ado...
UNIVERSE 1: CONTINUED SUCCESS
College football fans have to come to terms with the new reality that Vanderbilt is no longer an easy win. In August, the big question was - was last year a fluke? Well, I'll answer that with one thing - Gator Bowl. Yes, the Gator Bowl selection committee got over their (probably reasonable) fears of Vanderbilt fans not traveling and gave us the bid we deserved last year!
It may surprise you to know that we actually won all of our non-conference games. Unlike with Northwestern last year, we didn't "Vanderbilt up" any of those games. Wake gave us a bit of a scare the first half, but we came out the second half and set the record straight. Having those four wins definitely helped the team get into their groove as we got into the meat of the SEC schedule.
Vanderbilt took the Ole Miss game and used that momentum to win the conference games they should. The losses are pretty much as you expected - Carolina, Georgia, TAMU and Florida. Plan on buying a new television after the Florida game. Remember when we got screwed in the Swamp senior year over Earl Bennett's "celebration" at the end of regulation? Yeah, that will look like a reasonable call after what happened to us this year. However, you will get to enjoy the delicious, delicious tears of Vols fans in Neyland Stadium on a beautiful new 60" plasma.
I'm off to the Gator Bowl, but here's the regular season results, as you requested:
OPPONENT RESULT vs. Ole Miss WIN vs. Austin Peay WIN @ South Carolina LOSS @ Massachusetts WIN vs. UAB WIN vs. Missouri WIN vs. Georgia LOSS @ Texas A&M LOSS @ Florida LOSS vs. Kentucky WIN @ Tennessee WIN vs. Wake Forest WIN REGULAR SEASON RESULT: 8-4 (4-4)
UNIVERSE 2: SWEET ANGEL OF DEATH, TAKE ME NOW
I envy you. You know not the world I know. A world where Vanderbilt returned to the old ways. A world where your BAC has been a consistent 0.15 for several months, confusing all medical professionals. Year2 was right, this season has been abysmal.
You remember how you have been talking with friends about how Ole Miss is a huge game? You were right. After losing on a nationally televised game to Ole Miss, the wheels came off. Oh, you'll have hope after beating Austin Peay, UMass and UAB, (but losing horribly in Columbia). Then you'll get embarrassed in person at the James Franklin Bowl (sell your tickets now).
That is followed with losses to Georgia, TAMU and Florida in ways that will remind you of the "same old Vanderbilt" futility of being a fan of this team. A meaningless win over Kentucky doesn't help to make you feel any better. It's followed by Tennessee fans "reclaiming their spot in Tennessee" and destroying us. They wanted revenge for the ass kicking we delivered last year - they got it.
To top it off, we lose to Wake to end the season. Why do we keep agreeing to play those guys, anyway? Here's the miserable football I had to endure:
OPPONENT RESULT vs. Ole Miss LOSS vs. Austin Peay WIN @ South Carolina LOSS @ Massachusetts WIN vs. UAB WIN vs. Missouri LOSS vs. Georgia LOSS @ Texas A&M LOSS @ Florida LOSS vs. Kentucky WIN @ Tennessee LOSS vs. Wake Forest LOSS REGULAR SEASON RESULT: 4-8 (1-7)
Sweet Angel of Death, Take Me Now,
UNIVERSE 3: GOD IS A COMMODORE
The greatest season of Vanderbilt football behind me, I'm still sitting here trying to believe it actually happened. Chik-fil-A Bowl man. Chik. Fil. A. Bowl.
After a strong win over Mississippi at the home opener, Vandy marched into Columbia ready for a game. We have another game that makes the Carolina fans wonder if Ben Tillman's ghost himself shows up for SC-Vandy games, but in the end we do lose.
It's alright though, we continue with 3 more wins over UMass, UAB and Mizzou before hosting Georgia. I'm sorry to say that it's not a fun game to watch. UGA just has a strong win over us.
The greatest surprise to everyone was what happened in College Station. The sports media has been talking endlessly about the collapse of TAMU this year. After all the one or two loss predictions, few people expected everything to fall apart. The cause is of course being largely aimed at Manziel's off-season "distracting" him or some such nonsense. Nonetheless, Vandy managed to scrape out a win as Aggie returned to *their* old ways of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.
Following that, we *finally* get justice and beat Florida in the Swamp. Enjoy mockingly Gator chomping the angry blue and orange horde.
Anyway, I'm busy booking plans for the Chik-fil-A bowl, here's the summary:
OPPONENT RESULT vs. Ole Miss WIN vs. Austin Peay WIN @ South Carolina LOSS @ Massachusetts WIN vs. UAB WIN vs. Missouri WIN vs. Georgia LOSS @ Texas A&M WIN @ Florida WIN vs. Kentucky WIN @ Tennessee WIN vs. Wake Forest WIN REGULAR SEASON RESULT: 10-2 (6-2)
God Is A Commodore,
So there you have it, Vandy fans. I of course would love to know what Universe that third VandyTigerPhD comes from. I can only assume it's a Universe where unicorns exist, and EDSBS has its own cable network.
All joking aside though, this is a Vanderbilt team that could win 8 regular season games. The stars may align for us to snatch a victory here and there and get up to 10. I honestly see no way for us to beat Carolina or Georgia, but I'd love to be wrong about that. It is also reasonably likely that we slide back a bit and go to the cellar-dweller status. We'd all hope not, but the harsh reality is that's infinitely more likely than a 10 win season.
Author's Note: This is all in good fun, I'm sorry if you have a problem with that.